Updated: Nov 15, 2022
In a dramatic bid to relaunch his political career, former prime minister Boris Johnson has put himself at the head of a new political party, the Scofflaws, with Jacob Rees-Mogg as his deputy.
“We’re the politicians you’ll never be disappointed in,” said Johnson, addressing a convention of used car salesmen in Dagenham on the first leg of a national tour.
“That's because you already know what we’re like – a bunch of shameless, feckless, deceitful chancers who don't give a damn about the laws which constrain the common herd, like you load of proles down there."
“The Scofflaw Party is open to everyone who shares our lack of values,” added Jacob Rees-Mogg, sneering down at the sweaty and drunken herd of commoners as they roared their support.
“I call out to Britain's most twisted and anti-social elements - its hedge fund managers, public relations officers, heroin dealers and backbench MPs - if you are lazy, venal, grasping, socially useless and sexually deviant, and if you have no aptitude or ability whatsoever but know how to twist the system to your own sick advantage, the doors of our party will always be open to you.
“Although naturally, Old Etonians will be let in first.”
“My people!” said Johnson, stepping back onto the dais and leering in a sickening way at a petite blonde waitress, “I pledge to you today that the government I will lead will charm the birds from the trees and the knickers off a nun and conduct itself with all the moral integrity of a sewer rat on heat.
“I will form a ministry of all the talentless, to build on the monumental non-achievements of the previous government I led: making laws and breaking them, handing out government contracts to our girlfriends and their relatives, and sleeping with other men's wives.
“I tell you, my people: these are sensible policies for an even more miserable Britain!”