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Boris eyes lucrative Stannah Stairlift contract

After grifting for promoting a weight-loss supplement in his Daily Mail column, former PM (yes, really) Boris Johnson is rumoured to be setting his sights on the lucrative ‘coffin dodger’ daytime TV slot.

‘There’s a lot of money in funeral plans, mobility aids and equity release’, a spokesman told us. ‘When a genuine celebrity like Judi Dench lowers herself to do a TV ad people feel sad, but our research shows that nobody would be surprised to see Boris selling dodgy products for disreputable companies in between episodes of “Nazi Megastructures” and “Father Brown Investigates” ‘.

Daytime TV might be the perfect habitat for Johnson. He has always gone down well with the elderly & confused, and his particular brand of jocular racism still strikes a chord with Generation We Used To Have An Empire, You Know. The only challenge might be finding a stairlift or mobility scooter man enough to cope with his bulk.

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