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Britain’s nuclear deterrent “can only reach Isle of Wight”

Embarrassed officials at the Ministry of Defence admitted today that Britain’s nuclear deterrent can only reach as far as the Isle of Wight with any degree of accuracy. The Trident missile system, estimated to cost £180 billion over its lifetime, has recently proved inaccurate and unreliable in MOD tests.

The officials accepted this was quite a lot to spend to protect Britain from a sleepy seaside resort popular with pensioners, which is not thought to have a nuclear capability of its own. ”We did hear a rumour one pub on the island had recently installed a Space Invaders machine, but this turned out to be wishful thinking on the part of bored teenagers forced to spend their holidays there.”

However, the officials stressed they were putting in place measures to improve accuracy, and pretty soon the Channel Islands would come within the missiles’ effective range.

”So Alderney and Sark had better not get any ideas, alright? This is not some washed-up, basket-case kleptocracy you’re dealing with, where defence contracts go to frauds and wide boys so long as they’ve got mates in the government. That’s PPE you’re thinking of.”

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