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ChatGPT selected as Dominic Raab’s replacement

Conservatives at Esher & Walton constituency have taken the unusual step of selecting an Artificial Intelligence program as their next parliamentary candidate.

‘Software isn’t human. It doesn’t feel. It is purely performative – it uses the gloss of language to masquerade as human but all it’s doing is leeching off the work of others. Plus it can’t bully us. That’s a lot of pluses’, said a Party member. ‘If we could find a way to make it take a holiday whenever there’s serious work to be done it would be the perfect replacement’.

Dominic Raab has opted not to stand at the next general election, a move which will disappoint greengrocers as they were expecting bumper sales of soft fruit. Or tinned fruit.

Raab surprised parliamentary observers by showing that although he couldn’t be arsed to read the Good Friday Agreement he can, at least, read the writing on the wall. At this rate Rishi Sunak won’t be calling a general election so much as hosting a massive leaving do. And not from Downing Street.

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