Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.
The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.
'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’