'When Rishi Sunak asked me secretly to work on political strategy for him, I instantly told him he was on a hiding to nothing,' said a source close to former special adviser Dominic Cummings.
'Why did he ever think that an attention-seeking, narcissistic blabbermouth like me would work on anything for the government in secret, and not grab the chance to show off about it to the entire world?' he continued.
'"Oh, well. Forget about it, then," said the PM.
'"Forget about it?" I replied. "Fat chance. I will take this episode and crow about it, long and loud, from the top of the dungheap of hatred and bile that I call my blog."
'You can read my entire blabbermouth blog online, you know. Just Google "Monstrous Ego" and it'll come straight up.'