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'Electric Arc Furnace' was Sunak's wrestling name in college

The Conservatives celebrated a return to the 1980s, when heavy industry was on the skids and they looked set to stay in power indefinitely.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst wore a party hat at a jaunty angle and sipped champagne. 'It's like the last days of Rome. The PM is absolutely committed to steel manufacturing in the UK, as long as that steel manufacturing can happen somewhere else.'

'If he's asked about the Health Service, he just laughs and runs away. I think we'll probably have to start bombing somewhere foreign to distract people. Oh. What about dangling a tax cut? Oh.'

'It's going to have to be out of the box stupid... hear me out... what if we hold everyone's pets hostage? It's illegal already you say?' Hootington-Hurst smiled 'Even better.'

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