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Essex man regrets investing in fairy lights with 200 variants of flashing modes

A man who was forced to leave London during the Thatcher years as house prices outgrew his income is now struggling with getting agreement in his family over which flashing mode the Christmas lights his house is decorated in will annoy his neighbours the most.

Dick Scratcher, a shelf stacker for Aldi, had imagined that he would be giving his family their best Christmas ever by investing in the latest SuperGlow Christmas Lighting System from China which he was lucky enough to snap up for half price on Black Friday after queuing for hours in the pissing rain and having a knife fight with a bloke from Harlow who was also keen to give his family a Christmas to remember to secure his purchase, is now stuck in a seemingly irresolvable argument with his family over which mode of flashing the lights are best set at.

In truth, he personally favours them just being on all the time, but his youngest daughter thinks that if they only flash briefly once a week, it will be possible to save the planet. His older daughter likes them to flash like disco lights when she gets picked up for a date. His wife likes the soothing mode where the lights gradually brighten then dim, but his sons want the lights to be set to the mode that resembles a battlefield experience.

So far, Mr Scratcher and his family have only been able to test 10% of the SuperGlow Christmas Lighting System’s potential ways of enticing his neighbours to murder him; and at Newsbiscuit Towers we are holding a Christmas raffle sort of thing where we gamble on which mode of operation will eventually cause the demise of Mr Scratcher. We invite creative suggestions from our readers on how Mr Scratcher will be murdered in the hope that the money raised will run to the winner being able to buy every Newsbiscuit contributor a drink at our Christmas party,

A member of the local Tory-controlled council told us this is precisely the sort of thing to expect when plebs get paid too much amd have money to fritter away on Christmas lights.

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