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Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'

Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”.

Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag, even though it’s exactly the same series of remote camps in arctic Siberia and people are still being sent there without any pretence of legal process.

A Foreign Office spokesman said today that if upgrading their criticism to “limp” didn’t frighten the Russians into cooperating, the next stage would be “floppy”, after which come “half-hearted”, “pathetic” and finally “wet lettuce”. However, they denied this meant they weren’t making their case strenuously.

'We have asked for an appointment with the Russian Ambassador so we can lodge our protest at their treatment of a British citizen. Unfortunately, his office said he had a hairdressing appointment he can’t move, and after that he’s got tickets to a show. But we’re confident he will at least read the phone messages we left before the weekend.'

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