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Gavin Williamson vows to clear name by ‘duffing up’ those who accused him of bullying

Sir Gavin Williamson has resigned as a government minister after allegations of bullying, saying he aims to clear himself of "any wrongdoing” by making the people who made the allegations recant their claims through threats of “duffing them up”

Speaking today from behind the Westminster bike sheds where he was vaping with two backbencher acolytes, Williamson said he “refuted” how his “past conduct” had been characterised, and that those who made the allegations will “get what is coming to them.”

“I know where they live,” winked the former minister without portfolio, before showily making a fist and pushing his Yale front door key between two of his fingers and asking rhetorically, “know what I mean?”

“Once I’ve had a friendly chat with the people who made these scurrilous allegations, I imagine they will be straight round the Parliamentary Watchdog today to explain that they got it all wrong.

“Obviously, I’m not a bully, so I’m not going to threaten them or anything, I’m just going to remind them what Chinese burns are, and I think, in turn, that will help them remember that I didn’t bully them and that those expletive-ridden text messages where just glitches in their phones.”

Furthermore, News Biscuit would like to stress that Mr Williamson is not in any way, shape, or form, like Frank Spencer and that anyone saying that is just really mean and wrong. We printed this paragraph absolutely of our own accord and did not have our arms bent up our backs until we promised to do so.

On a completely unrelated note, if anyone wants to pop round our offices today with a few sandwiches, that would be great, as we don’t have today’s lunch money anymore.

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