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Gove approves 200 miles of new canal

Michael Gove has finally backed the construction of 200 miles of artificial waterways across the north of England despite nobody having used the existing ones since Queen Victoria first gagged on Prince Albert’s prince albert. Environmental enthusiasts were at a loss to know what to say about the Schrödinger style proposal as it could be looked upon as both a brilliant idea benefitting the environment and an utterly insane idea trashing the environment.

Tories hope the initiative will help revive flagging interest in the party and help boost donations. Gove also hinted at the building of new Grammar schools along the banks of the canals, the erection of hangman’s gallows across the Yorkshire dales and free gymkhana lessons for all pony club members.

Canals - once the lifeblood of industry and commerce back in the 18th century but still fresh in the minds of some Tory members - could make a comeback under Tory levelling up plans. ‘London has the recently opened the Elizabeth Line and Crossrail, and the exciting Thameslink project connecting parts of the city is under development as we speak. So, it is only fair that the north of England also gets an upgrade on its transport infrastructure’, said Gove, adding, ‘and what better way to prove we are serious about our levelling up commitments than the building of a new canal’.

It is hoped the new canal will carry coal from the new Cumbrian mine near Whitehaven to exporting hubs around the north.

The secretary of state also said opening a new coal mine would create all sorts of job opportunities for people as young as 7-8 years old…especially in the field of flue maintenance and disposal of amorphous carbon particles.

Michael Gove is MP for Surrey Heath.

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