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How Great Britain was built, the HS2 way

'Dear Druids,

Thank you for choosing HS2 to provide all your engineering and logistical solutions for the building of Stonehenge.

'Unfortunately, after spending 40 billion sestertii and taking the best part of two centuries, we have not been able to complete the delivery of 3,000 tons of blue stones from the Welsh Mountains all the way to Wiltshire, and have instead dumped them in a field outside Chepstow.

'Give us another 100 billion sestertii and 3,500 years, and we may think about finishing the job.

'Not promising anything, mind.'

'Dear Mr Isambard Kingdom Brunel,

'We at HS2 are delighted at having failed to build your design for the world's first Suspension Bridge across the River Avon at Bristol.

'We decided it would be unfeasible to extend the structure across the entire span of the Avon Gorge, meaning that it is now a weird type of pier - off which stagecoaches and hay carts take terrifying falls.

'We also felt it was unfeasible to extend the voyage of your revolutionary new steamship, the SS Great Britain, all the way across the Atlantic - so we let it sink somewhere off the Azores.

'But we have to make our money somehow, so we are invoicing you 100 billion florins for this letter.'

'Dear General Eisenhower,

"Thank you for asking HS2 to organise the landing of one million allied troops on the beaches of Normandy on D-Day, to end the war in Europe.

'Unfortunately, our estimate of 40 billion dollars was not enough to cover the full cost of this operation. So instead, we landed the one million troops on the Isle of Wight - which is now excellently defended.

'For 100 billion dollars, we can plan an operation to drop atom bombs on Japan, to end the war there. But we can't be bothered to go all the way to Japan. Can we just drop them on Southend, instead?'

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Oct 06, 2023

Thank you for choosing UKIP Tories you mean.

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