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HS2 impresses Northerners more than ferret-proof trousers

Analysis of the HS2 rail project has discovered that the plans never included a return section from Manchester to London. The government's main intention was to remove Northerners from the Southeast of England as quickly as possible. After visiting relatives in Stockport, anyone foolish enough to have purchased a return ticket would've found themselves stranded and unable to return to the Home Counties.

As with all of the worst laid plans of central government, skimming off the top was not included in the budget. This left the uneasy prospect of only being able to relocate Midlanders back to their natural habitat.

Forecasts at the time, however, woefully underestimated the number of corrupt Prime Ministers. Now that Birmingham is also an impossibility, HS2 will only stretch as far as Oxford, predominantly transferring essential medication back to the Westminster office of Michael Gove. A hastily contrived rebranding exercise has renamed the project High on Speed 2.

The moral of the fiasco is, if you want any chance of a rail service built between your city and London, at least make sure they start it at your end first.

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