Ex-prime minister, leading Brexit cheerleader and Vileda Mop model, Boris Johnson, is holding on to his WhatsApp messages until he can delete the numerous messages that say "Happy Birthday, from Dad".
If released, the messages sent in the space of a year could theoretically be counted, and the number of children fathered by the serial breeder may finally be known. However, leading statisticians say it would be unlikely as the computing power needed to filter through the rest of his bloviating, and to then calculate the number of happy birthday messages would exceed that used to run and manager the Large Hadron Collider.
Known offspring of the former Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary and Zipwire Dangler include Lara, Milo, Wilfred Frank, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Tinky-Winky.
Johnson has so far refused to admit to the number of children he has and the release of these messages may end up becoming an embarrassment for the up until now unembarrassable. Speculation has already started on Twitter into the name of some of his other children.
Jeremy Vine took to the platform to urge children of Johnson's to publicly come forward to stop innocent people being linked with the story.
"It's not fair to those being falsely named to have their reputations dragged through the mud" Vine said. "Even Huw Edwards had to distance himself from sharing DNA with Boris"
We have tried to contact some of those in the frame. So far, Mr Blobby has refused to comment.
story: jamespluside