With Dry January soon to be a thing of the past, livers up and down the country are bracing for a very, very Wet February. 'It's all very well our owners abstaining from alcohol after sobering up on the 4th or 5th of January, but it inevitably leads to trepidation in the liver world,' said a spokes-liver today.
'At first it is rather nice to only have to filtrate tea and coffee, to purify relatively clean blood etc, but to be fair it gets a little humdrum for those of us used to battling constantly seven nights a week against the hard stuff. Then there is the deconditioning - by the end of the Christmas break we're Premier League match fit, but by the start of February we start getting palpitations thinking about the first slug of the evening, or afternoon, or breakfast as some Wetherspoon regulars call it.
'Then some of us start to get nervous, feeling fear as the day approaches. Some doctors diagnose this at the DTs, as if it is withdrawal, but it's a mix of under-confidence mixed with excitement - will it be a low ABV beer or a full throttle whisky? Cocktails, shots, a bottle of red or a swift half followed by a snifter. Or maybe all of the above mixed in a two-pint jug and sunk in one gulp,' said the spokes-liver with its liver-fingers crossed.
'You'll have to excuse me,' the spokes-liver said, 'I've just learned that I'm twice the size of a normal liver. That's good news for my human, because he does like to drink rather a lot.'
Photo by Amie Johnson on Unsplash