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  • Writer's pictureSully

Men poised for greatness, just as soon as the Xmas aftershave arrives

It’s that time of the year again, when Britain’s men recapture their untamed spirit through the application of aromatic placebos.

Barry (31) has a birthday in January, so he has a long time to wait between aftershave top-ups. “I can feel my powers waning at this end of the year”, he told us. “Wearing the right aftershave I can be my own man - enigmatic yet strong, a gentle savage in a primeval wilderness. When it wears off I’m just Barry, assistant accountant in a stationery business”.

Barry’s girlfriend Alison (28) is giving him Dior’s ‘Sauvage’ this Christmas. “I’d like him to be a bit more Johnny Depp”, she explained. “Not so much the Amber Heard thing, more . . . running with wolves, you know, an act of creation inspired by wide-open spaces. That’s the Barry I’d prefer. I did consider that one with all the sailors but they looked a bit gay, plus he gets seasick”.

Britain experiences an upwelling of masculine greatness shortly after Christmas each year. Scientists declare themselves baffled by the phenomenon. “I’m baffled”, said Professor Green from Imperial College. “It’s a total f**king mystery. I was sceptical at first – I ran the stuff through a mass spectrometer and there’s nothing really significant there – but then I saw Johnny Depp with his shirt open and a bloke and a woman floating up towards the moon and now I’m not so sure”.

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