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Phone companies pre-announce record profits after Matt Hancock windfall

Telecoms companies have all taken the unusual decision to pre-announce record levels of profits for the last quarter of 2022, after Matt Hancock’s entry into I’m A Celebrity Get me Out of Here.

The windfall profits will come first from income from premium rate voting lines to be used by viewers to select Hancock for every Bushtucker trial, and secondly from a later surge to vote him off the show, which industry analysts said would be ‘off the f*cking scale’.

‘Wow, I mean, just wow’, said Richard DaCosta, senior research at leading telecom analytics company I'm on My Mobile. ‘Hancock has just delivered us a massive gift, and thankfully it isn’t the kind of one he gave to Gina Coladangelo on that Whitehall video we all saw in lockdown’.

‘People have actually been contacting telecoms companies asking if we are offering any kind of bulk-buying deals on votes for Hancock, or whether they can pre-order their votes in’.

'Even though he's only been in a couple of days, we've seen definite surges in demand for votes whenever he does that false smile, or puts on that ridiculous laugh, or when he gives 'the speech' about Showing My Human Side. So basically, all the time.'

‘We’re trying to quickly put the necessary infrastructure, processes and safety procedures for our staff in place to cope with the extra demand', continued DaCosta. 'Its’ a shame Hancock didn’t do something similar during the pandemic’.

‘One person rung to ask if there was an option to vote for Matt Hancock to sit half-naked and eat meals of bulls testicles and pig anus whilst cockroaches were tipped over his head.'

‘They weren’t actually talking about the I’m a Celebrity Show. It was a just a general request. We’re working on it.'

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