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Reduction in train announcements causes huge spike in lost official secrets

The most important Conservative party policy since the end of the Second World War has had a devastating impact on British Intelligence services. Following a declaration from Transport Secretary Grant Shapps that there would be a reduction in train announcements, it was universally acknowledged that all of the woes the UK had been experiencing in recent years would be swept aside with one masterstroke of political genius.

There was, however, an unforeseen consequence to the much lauded policy in that the train announcements were essential to maintaining national security. Following the removal of looped recordings warning, 'Could all MI5 agents please make sure they have not left any secret documents behind,' increases in state-critical blunders have taken place.

Sources murmuring in dark corners of underground car parks are suggesting that everything MI5 has ever learned has now been lost. The general public have been asked to pretend they haven't noticed the mountains of files with 'Top Secret' printed on them piling up on train tables, platform benches, and at bus shelters throughout the nation.

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