An ocular improvement container from Redhill is the prime suspect in a series of brutal attacks. Police are quick to stress, because they're under a lot of pressure these days. But they also add that they do not believe the attacks are terror related.
Chief Inspector Harding of Surrey Police issued a statement to reporters: 'There is no appeal for witnesses because the perpetrator is described as green in a particularly unappealing way. Victims say their attacker is about 6 inches wide, and they're not being racist, but, with the weirdest skin they've ever encountered. We have a top sketch artist working with them, but she is having trouble with a further description of "also quite blurry".
'It's going to be a tough one to make stand up in court. Mostly because of the asymmetrical shape and bevelled edges.
'Unusually, it is not the snappiness when closing, as was initially thought. The suspect employs an unexpected method of ensnaring its prey. It is the strange, shiny, soft coating which captures its victims' thumbnails when opening, using a slippy, yet embeddy method we've not encountered before. It leaves victims in severe pain, and they have all described a deep sense of shame following the attacks.
'This has been a very difficult case for everyone to deal with. If you see the suspect, do not approach, as the contents are believed to be armed.
'I will now read you a statement prepared by the family member of a victim. Just need to pop my glasses on... Ooh, ya bastard! Do forgive me... that really smarts. But it appears we have the assailant in custody.'