Starmer’s first year as PM: Unpopular decisions, delivered in a boring voice

After his first year in office, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has reflected on his leadership with the kind of cautious optimism that only comes after alienating your entire voter base.

In a press statement, Starmer said: “It’s been a challenging year, but we’ve delivered stable, grown-up governance - by which I mean we’ve delivered cuts to pensioners, disabled people, and anyone who once thought voting Labour might improve their life.”

Despite Labour’s campaign promises on social justice, some critics have said that the current Labour government has managed to outflank the Conservatives on cruelty. One Tory backbencher was overheard joking in Parliament: “We wanted to privatise compassion, but Labour just went ahead and abolished it.”

The Prime Minister defended his record, saying, “Look, nobody said rebuilding Britain would be painless. We’re simply ensuring the pain is evenly distributed among vulnerable people who are unable to fight back.”

When asked if Labour’s plummeting popularity concerned him, Starmer responded: “Leadership isn’t about popularity. It’s about making difficult decisions and explaining them in a tone that suggests you’re deeply disappointed in the electorate for not understanding. Polls come and go. What matters is that we remain the adults in the room - even if we’ve locked the public out of it.”

Those close to Starmer have attempted to defend him by highlighted his ‘consistency’. One aide explained, “He’s remained consistently unpopular with the exact people Labour traditionally champions. That’s focus.”

As for his vision for Year Two, Starmer hinted at ‘further efficiencies in public empathy’, before telling reporters, “We will continue to hasten Britain’s decline in a way that sounds vaguely managerial and responsible.”