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Supermarkets to employ a million wine rebottlers

A government plan to trick the nation into believing it has cut the price of wine by requiring wine floggers to sell it by the pint (568ml) instead of 750ml bottles means that providing supermarkets can find the million workers it will take to rebottle the acres of warehouse space used for a single day’s UK wine consumption, shopping bills could reduce by 2.5%.

Reaction to the plan has been mixed, as supermarkets say it will be difficult to find enough workers to do the rebottling unless they offer higher pay than teachers and nurses get, to encourage them to change jobs, but that will mean they would need to charge more for wine.

Alcoholics Anonymous have praised the plan, saying that smaller bottles of wine will reduce consumption, but doctors think their patients will merely buy two pints of wine to make up for the shortfall and end up drinking more. “In any case”, one doctor said, “consumption, or tuberculosis as we call it now, has already been greatly reduced thanks to antibiotics.”

A pensioner who was around before Britain changed to metric measurements told Newsbiscuit “It’s all bollocks, because hardly anyone drank wine before we joined the EU and the few that did brought it back from France on those cheap day trips we used to have, so it only ever came in 750ml bottles”.

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