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Three word slogan central to Tory election campaign will be 'Hobble The Good'

The core theme for the upcoming Conservative Party general election campaign pledges to cause continued torture to decent, hard working folk.

'Quality people you can count on make us sick,' bellowed a Downing Street spokes-dominatrix with an epic beer gut, high on a recent dungeon of torment session. 'What everyone wants is a damn good lashing and thrashing.

'But that is not enough, and we will go further. The reintroduction of hobbling - seared deep into our psyche in the 1990 film Misery - will be made compulsory for the competent, the morally sound, and guide dogs for the blind.

'Matt Hancock knows a bloke down the pub who can supply wooden blocks and sledgehammers for a snip at £37 billion, so it's already a done deal. And we're making a start with those who are brave, loyal, and Colin the Caterpillar. Brings joy to the young and far too popular, that delicious leggy bastard.

'This is what British values are all about. There will be blood in Bath, and our rivers will run red and brown. Get Hobbling Done!'

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