Titanic captain claims victory over iceberg
- eppursimuove
- 3 minutes ago
- 1 min read
Speaking from the seabed of the Atlantic, the captain of the Titanic today issued a statement claiming victory over the iceberg.
“We didn’t wanna hit the iceberg, I’ve said that all along, the iceberg provoked this totally unnecessary collision,” said captain Edward Smith. “But once it was clear we were gonna do it, we were gonna smash that iceberg, totally smash it back to the… well, the ice age I guess.”
When it was pointed out that the Titanic sank whereas the iceberg was barely damaged at all, and in fact is now posing a danger to other ships, Smith described this is “a fake shipping forecast, totally fake. No, the iceberg’s been totally humiliated. It wanted us at the bottom of the sea immediately, whereas in fact it took us a couple of hours to sink.”
The statement was followed by the news that a British ship, which Smith had begged to rescue them and then immediately changed his mind and said he didn’t need it, was now almost ready to leave port, only two weeks after receiving the distress signal.
Meanwhile Jewish organisations have complained about what they called the “coded antisemitism” of Smith’s statement, saying “Iceberg? Come on, we all know he means Goldberg.”