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Tories 'didn’t know there was anywhere north of Birmingham'

A Tory spokesman revealed today that the shortfall in funding for HS2 was the result of party strategists not really believing there was anywhere north of Birmingham.

Asked how he even knew about Birmingham, Sir Crispin Labrador explained that his family estate is in Worcestershire, and it’s “really quite civilised, all things considered. Of course, the staff tend to speak in a funny way, but you can beat it out of them after a while.”

”But Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle and so on? I always assumed they were just a Swiftian satire, like Lilliput or Brobdingnag - essentially the writer is saying ‘Just imagine if these absurd places existed’ for comic effect.”

”It was quite a shock to find out they’re real places, though it does explain some of the odd creatures one sees on the Labour benches. They always seem so cross about something, if only one could understand what they were saying.”

Despite this admission that the north of England is real, Sir Crispin said he doubted the wisdom of a railway connecting it to civilisation.

”It’s all too easy to be sentimental about primitive peoples, but have you stopped to consider the damage to their culture if they encountered the modern world too quickly, without proper safeguards? Things like fruit and vegetables need to be introduced to them gradually, before moving onto more complex things like the importance of not overchilling a white Burgundy.”

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Sep 26, 2023

An insider told me the real reason was to keep Russophile Cummings out of London.

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