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Trump: My 4-goal haul in 1966 World Cup Final will never be beaten



Fantasist and former US president, Donald Trump, has raised eyebrows across the footballing world after making a sensational claim during a speech at his latest rally.


Addressing a terrifying mob of roadkill and squirrel-scoffing aficionados on a trailer park somewhere in America's deep south, Trump said.


'I'm just a great sportsman and athlete. One of the best. No, change that. I'm the absolute best. I'm a tremendous sport guy. Whoa! Yeah. The winningest ever.'


As the rapturous crowd cheered every word, the unhinged pumpkin-coloured danger to the planet went on to say. 'Sure, I have won many golf championships. In fact I've never lost one. Not ever. Won every one. Never lost. That's a fact. Chii-na!


'But probably my greatest sporting achievement was scoring all 4 goals for England against Germany at Wembley, London, England in the Fifi World Series. A feat greater even than the eight consecutive F1 titles I won. Making me the best race car driver ever.


'Anyway, that day in London Sir Artie Ramsden saw me in the stadium and pleaded: "Mr Trump, please come on as our star substitute. We're in real bad shape and we're gonna lose this set". And, you know, despite me not even being eligible to play I answered that call for help. It's the kinda swell guy I am. I'm a swell guy. I really am. So swell. The rest is history. Some people were on the pitch at the end. They thought it was all over. Just like it is for poor old sleepy Joe.'


Mr Trump managed one keepy-up with a ball thrown onstage then left the platform to the strains of the Match of The Day theme tune as the boisterous crowd dispersed to indulge in some casual looting and insurrection.


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