Trump's going to need a bigger trophy cabinet

Hot on the heels of last week's completely made up Man of the Century award comes yet another ludicrous plaudit for Trump. "The Best Person To Have Lived... Ever" trophy will be presented to him at a lavish White House ceremony in December as part of the Christmas celebrations. The prize is understood to comprise a repurposed Junior League baseball shield, a lifetime supply of McDonald's, and fifty-five billion dollars in untraceable cryptocurrency. 

Speaking in The Oval Office to a handpicked pack of press poodles and looking like the cat that got the cream, a beaming Trump said. 'For most people this would be a humbling moment. But for me it's completely deserved and of course it doesn't surprise me. Because... well... I am that person. Yes I am. People have been telling me since I was little more than two. You're the best, they say. And now the whole world agrees.

'But take Barak Hussein Obama... O-bah-ma. He's not the best person. No he's not. He's the worst person. And they gave him a Nobel Prize. Just like Biden's result in 2020 that vote was rigged, too. I shoulda got the Nobel. Everyone said so. I ended fifty wars. But in the end cheaters never win. Just look at what I'm going to get now. O-bah-ma. It's a tremendous and beautiful thing. Your Nobel prize is a lump of crap. Mine is the best for the very best. That's what it's gonna say on the trophy. So let's see you prove any differentThe briefing ended when Trump was carried off to the nursery in a sedan chair by JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Joe Mitchell and Mike Johnson for his bottle, and afternoon nap.

photo: Photo by tommao wang on Unsplash