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UK in shock as Epstein client list features Mr Blobby heavily

The UK woke up to the shocking revelations today that the recently revealed Epstein client list and court transcript featured much loved entertainment figure, Mr Blobby. The popular character, made famous by Noel Edmonds in his House Party programme of recent times, is mentioned throughout the transcripts and described as being involved in wild parties, drug fuelled escapades and and trafficking other UK favourites to Epstein's island such as Roland Rat, Basil Brush and Gordon the Gopher. All were unavailable for comment at this time.

"It's truly a shock to us in the force that one we held so dear could have such a dark side", said Detective Chief Inspector Geraint Jones of Scotland Yard who will lead the investigation into Mr Blobby's wrongdoings, "we've known about the transcript for some time and executed a dawn raid on his Crinkly Bottom residence this morning. He is now in custody but our interviews have so far been quite one-sided".

The transcripts show that Blobby was an eccentric, impulsive and aggressive character that held little regard for property, people's welfare or safety. He seemed almost devoid of emotion and was completely fuelled by his own hedonistic, anarchic impulses. The case continues but connections with Prince Andrew have so far been unproven although it is well documented that Mr Blobby is also physically unable to sweat.

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