Details emerged today of a hastily convened meeting of Republican strategists, following the news that Trump had been shot at a Pennsylvania rally.
The meeting, held before they had any details of how badly Trump was hurt, was aimed at deciding whether in the event he had been killed, they necessarily needed a new candidate.
”I say we stick with him,” said top party official Dick Wad. “I can’t imagine being dead would dent his popularity too much among his fans. And he’d have the martyrdom thing going for him, am I right?
”Besides, so much of modern politics is not saying the wrong thing - don’t call Zelensky ‘Putin’, don’t confuse your opponent with your running mate… a candidate who could never say anything at all might be a plus. And unlike the Dems with Biden, we’d know he won’t get any worse over the next four years, given proper embalming and refrigeration.”
”I agree,” said his colleague Traylor Trash. “Given all the other things we’re overlooking about him, being dead is relatively trivial. And the women working around him would certainly feel safer, knowing they wouldn’t be groped on a daily basis.”
They then discussed whether there was any constitutional bar to a dead man running for president, and were reassured to find that, rather like a convicted felon running for president, the founding fathers didn’t explicitly forbid it since they never in their wildest dreams imagined it would happen.
”And if anyone objects, we can always argue that the medical definition of death is brain death, and in that respect he’s no worse than in 2016 or 2020. Besides, the Dems won’t dare call for him to be scanned for brain activity, for fear we’d do the same about Biden.”
STOP PRESS: Doctors report that Trump is unharmed, as the bullet passed right through the middle of his skull without hitting any vital organs