US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns

US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs.  Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon.

Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting.  In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up.

'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts.  'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is overrun by commie loving left wing illegal immigrant traitors?  Guns and ammo are their top priority and everything else comes second.  You can't actually eat lead, but I believe that some hillbillies might be trying. They can't afford to heat their homesteads, but they know that if you fire off enough rounds, the gun will warm up and you can use it like a hot water bottle.  With the safety on, obviously.

'We are helping customers address the 'eat or shoot' dilemma by offering great deals, including promotions that link basic foods with armaments.  For example, buy twelve trifles, get a free rifle.  And buy a Magnum (ice cream or wine) and get a Magnum (pistol) free.  Our deal of the day is 'buy five shooters and get the six shooter free'.

'There was a riot in a competing store after it offered a ten dollar Saturday Night Special.  Shoppers became very angry when this turned out to be a deal on pizza and soda, and not a pistol with the serial number filed off.

'For our part, we are determined to offer the best value to our target market, which is undernourished gun-toting crazies,' he continued. 'We're massacring prices. You should get down here like a shot. Come and scope us out. We've got sights for sore eyes. We've got RPGs, and they ain't video games. And we've got the very best hardware, and I don't mean mops and buckets. Although we do have those too...'

image by grok

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