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US vetoes UN’s New Year’s resolutions

Despite promising to stop genocide and lose some weight, the UN has found that its resolve has been undermined by the USA tempting them with chocolate and all missiles they can eat. The US defended its position: ‘We tried giving up booze once, but we just ended up with Al Capone. Resolutions should focus on achievable promises – like tax breaks for the wealthy and ever worse superhero movies.’

Hints about abandoning the petrodollar or upholding human rights were rejected in favour of a resolution to massage Joe Biden’s bunions. Said one depressed UN representative: ‘We asked if we could do something about world hunger, but the answer was ‘Nope’. We said, what about poverty? ‘Nope’. Could we maybe do something about the environment – ‘Nope’. Finally, we asked, what promise could we make? And they said – ‘promise to keep your mouth shut and turn a blind eye.’

Having already downgraded Santa’s naughty list to just North Korea and James Corden, the US has muted all opposition to its excesses. Said their ambassador: ‘We resolve to make 2024 every bit as scary as 2023. Oh, and go to the gym more.’

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