Aries: Your dreams of romance will suffer a setback, when a judge issues you with a restraining order which prevents you from going with 200 metres of TV weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker. Don’t be too disheartened - at least you’ll still have the 24 hour live streamed footage from the webcam you bribed his cleaning lady to put in his bathroom.
Taurus: In the coming weeks, you will encounter six geese a-laying, and ten lords doing despicable things.
Gemini: Mars is now in retrograde for the next three months. Geminis can expect clouded thinking and a drop in sex drive. But hey, you've always been a thick minger. So no change there then.
Cancer: A visit to the salon to have your bikini area waxed will go wrong, leaving you with pubes in the shape of Jesus’ face. You’ll have to wait for it to grow back before you have sex again, otherwise it would probably be blasphemy, and God would punish you.
Leo: No, I'm not going to validate your personal worldview today. Get a life.
Virgo: You will find fame at last, when your name gets plastered across the front page of all the tabloids following a coke fuelled 3-in-a-bed sex romp with two TV personalities. You might think this sounds exciting, but wait until you find out the celebrities involved are Sooty and Basil Brush... You literally will shag anything, won’t you?
Libra: Your lucky number is 6¾, and your lucky colour is mango. Do with that information what you will.
Scorpio: You will get the scoop of the century when you see a video of Liz Truss fellating a donkey on Pornhub. But you won't be able to cash in on it because you can't tell anyone you watch Pornhub.
Sagittarius: As the moon shines on Uranus, you will have a rectal exam which doesn’t go to plan. You’ve heard that phrase about the sh*t hitting the fan, right..?
Capricorn: As Mercury does a back flip in your sign, expect good news regarding a recent health worry, as a doctor will diagnose the new mole on your arse as a squashed Coco Pop.
Aquarius: Tall, dark and handsome is in short supply, so you will have to make do with short, swarthy and dull. Mind you, you're no oil painting yourself: best not to dwell on what the children might look like.
Pisces: This month you will be visited by a mysterious old, bearded man that will climb down your chimney in the dead of night. But beware…if it’s not Father Xmas, it's probably a paedo. Call 999.
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