Masked-man and 1960s vigilante hero Zorro has enlisted with the Russian army for the war in Ukraine.
"I spent my life fighting bad guys, but I've been out if work for some time, so I thought I'd give something different a try," said the nonagenarian who suffers from mild dementia, speaking to war reporters on the outskirts of Mariupol.
"There have been loads of hero movies since my US TV shows in the 60s, but only one Zorro movie remake, and it didn't turn into a franchise like I'd hoped with figurines and stuff, so I'd pretty much hung up my spurs and been forgotten about.
"But then I saw the Russian troops all carried a 'Z' on their tanks. 'The mark of Zorro'. It was like the bat-signal for me. I knew exactly what they were saying. They wanted my help and I came at a gallop.
"I don't know much about hypobaric or surface to air missiles. I'm more of a cold steel rapier kind a guy, but I reckon I'll have the Ukrainians rounded up quicker than a 30 minute episode and be ready to ride out of Kyiv with a damsel I free along the way, all before the credits roll."
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