Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins

The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.

The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.

Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.

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Government urge wild parties to be carried out cautiously

'It's a fine balance, deciding between snogging strangers or people you work with,' admitted a government spokesman today. He also suggested that entering a busy, crowded pub has to be considered carefully before deciding 'sod it' and ditching the face mask and ordering shots for everyone twice.

'Try not to think about what you would do at home - that should be a relatively safe place as you're already living and sleeping with the people you meet,' he explained. 'Better to ask yourself, "what would I do at work?" before cracking open another bottle of wine and slinging it down your neck before fondling the woman from accounts and waving your willy in the air. It's what we do in Downing Street, anyway,' he explained.

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Woman finds exact nanosecond local Barclays Bank is open

Laura Hills from Bridgend has managed to get personal counter service from her local Barclays Bank by entering the branch at the split second it opened and just before it rapidly closed.

The bank clerk serving her was so surprised to find a customer had made it inside she had to spend fifteen minutes reminding herself what her job was.

Branch Manager, Jim Morgan, was equally befuddled. “This should not have happened. We are doing our level best to force customers online by only opening for the briefest time possible. I hope you can understand, for one of our employees to have had to serve someone was an extremely traumatic experience. She’s now having time off for counselling, which means we will have to restrict our opening seconds even more.”

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