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Trump is Murdoch’s long lost son


DNA tests show an 80% similarity and 99% in common with an anaconda. Trump always knew that somewhere out there was his real father and it was only a matter of time until he found the right Sith Lord.


The 45th President of the United States (aka the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse and the last of the Oompa Loompas) will now be raised by Mr. Murdoch as if he were his own benign tumour. Clutching a suckling Trump to his chest, Mr. Murdoch spoke of his joy at discovering a son who shared his common vision for Western Civilisation– of a dumpster filled with burning tires.



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Boris eyes lucrative Stannah Stairlift contract



After grifting for promoting a weight-loss supplement in his Daily Mail column, former PM (yes, really) Boris Johnson is rumoured to be setting his sights on the lucrative ‘coffin dodger’ daytime TV slot.


‘There’s a lot of money in funeral plans, mobility aids and equity release’, a spokesman told us. ‘When a genuine celebrity like Judi Dench lowers herself to do a TV ad people feel sad, but our research shows that nobody would be surprised to see Boris selling dodgy products for disreputable companies in between episodes of “Nazi Megastructures” and “Father Brown Investigates” ‘.


Daytime TV might be the perfect habitat for Johnson. He has always gone down well with the elderly & confused, and his particular brand of jocular racism still strikes a chord with Generation We Used To Have An Empire, You Know. The only challenge might be finding a stairlift or mobility scooter man enough to cope with his bulk.






Government to adopt public school tactics over inflation



Borrowers have been put on notice for further Bank of England interest rate rises after inflation in the UK unexpectedly remained stuck at 8.7% in May.


Ex-public schoolboy and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, was rumoured to be entering No.10 wearing a teaching gown and mortar board he’d nicked from an old school master, muttering “The beatings will continue until the behaviour changes” as he twirled a cane.


Our economics correspondent says he thinks this is Sunak’s way of explaining to mortgage payers that if they continue to borrow money to feed and clothe their children, causing him to look silly for promising to halve inflation, he will adopt the same attitude his sports master did when he was caught puffing on his fag behind the bike shed by making interest rates even more punishing.






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