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War memorial has the leering face of Tony Blair


The memorial itself was been funded by the ‘Sun’ newspaper’s patriotic campaign - ‘Support our soldiers. Just don’t question the war’. The jagged monolith is deliberately carved out of rough, hewn Portland stone - to symbolize the fact that you cannot polish a t$rd. An aide to Tony Blair commented: ‘Thankfully the three wars in the Middle East have brought peace and prosperity to the region, making the world a safer place. Let us not forget why were fought those wars…um…er…why was it again?’


None of the 2,500 invited guests will be family members of the 682 service personnel who lost their lives, which is a fitting tribute to the fact nobody really cares what they think. An MOD spokeswoman remarked: ‘They gave their lives upholding British values – sorry, did I say British? I meant to say ‘share’ – upholding the value of ‘shares’ in the arms industry’. As with Trafalgar Square, there will also be an empty plinth, to representative the Weapons of Mass Destruction.


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Electoral Commission loses all voter data in game of poker with a badger

The UK Electoral Commission, single-handedly responsible for the existence of any last sliver of democracy in the UK, has lost every voter's details.


New head of the Commission, Vladimir Putin of 16 Evergreen Terrace, Lower Bebbington, Yourmum, said, 'I thought the badger had a tell, so I went all in. Unfortunately, badgers crying tears of blood is normal and it hit a full house - jacks over queens on the river - and that was it. Oh well, easy come, easy go. You win some, you lose some. Novichoks are not the only fruit.'


Responding to the news that all UK votes are now the property of a rural pigdog, pretend prime minister Rishi Sunak of 10, Drowning Street, Yourmum, squeaked, 'This is terrible. I was going to sell all voters' data to the US, India and China and make another billion. Now that poncy badger holds all of the cards, and he's going to clean up in the backroom at the next Davos summit.




Disney praises ‘awesome’ Tory villains

‘The British Conservative Party writes such memorable villains’, a Disney spokesman said. ‘They’re a throwback to Hans Christian Anderson and the Brothers Grimm. Robert Jenrick painting over cartoon characters – brilliant. Suella Braverman dreaming of sending people to Rwanda – inspired. We really like Priti Patel’s smirk – such an ice maiden – fanciable but evil. Brings the dads to the movie theatre’.


Many Conservatives have been quick to deny that they are cartoon villains, though Nadine Dorries has been seen flirting in her clumsy manner and asking Disney execs if they might have a role for a “tipsy blonde”.


‘We’re following the barge story with interest’, the spokesman said. ‘We’d like to see Jacob Rees-Mogg in his top hat doing something nasty. He has a lovely Dick Dastardly vibe. Say what you will about the Conservative Party there’s no denying their commitment to their art. We’ve never seen actors stay in character for so long. It’s almost as if they don’t need to act . . .’




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