top of page
Search

Did a woman die of or with laughter?

It has been alleged that a woman was manslaughtered by another woman with what is being described as an unacceptable level of humour.


Police were called to the Tittering Cavalier pub in Luton yesterday evening following reports of a death in suspiciously lighthearted circumstances. Investigators were able to establish that a woman said something so funny that her friend snorted, gurgled and choked on her own mirth.

'I didn't hear what was said, but I did hear an astonishing gruntysnort from all the way over by the quiz machine,' said an earwitness. I heard shots of purple Aftershock spilling across tables, followed by a loud thud, followed by quite a commotion.


'The landlady immediately went to assist, but she wasn't able to revive the poor woman, or collect the rent. Paramedics were on the scene in minutes, and the police turned up shortly after that. You know, not one 'em could help me out with the quiz machine question. Turns out, Bolivia has two capital cities. Absolutely useless, the lot of them.'


Chief Inspector Claire Howard from Bedfordshire Police said, 'We can confirm that a 26-year-old woman from Luton has died in tragic circumstances. Another 28-year-old woman from Dunstable is helping us with our enquiries. She has a wicked sense of humour and a killer quip about Jeremy Clarkson and an alpaca.


'The key to solving this will be in the recollection of major cities in South America. And does anyone know the longest river in Europe?'




Ellen photographed watching lacrosse with Bin Laden



Publicists for Ellen DeGeneres have been forced to defend historical images of her enjoying water-polo with Pol Pot, table-tennis with Hitler and ice-curling with Fred and Rosemary West.  This comes after a photo emerged of her, laughing at a Cowboy's game, in the company of renowned LGBTQ+ activist, George W. Bush.


She explained that she had many friends with whom she held differing opinions, her spokeswoman said: 'We all have a friend we disagree with; they favour pineapple as a pizza topping, you don't.  They prefer rendition, you don't.  They prefer to torture people by forcing water down their throat, you prefer a pineapple.’ Asked if she had taken the opportunity afforded her by her $10,000 seat to challenge George W about his illegal wars and his human rights abuses: 'No, that would be impolite'.


Opinion is split about how we treat those we diverge with, with many liberal commentators suggesting that the Nuremberg Trials could have been replaced with a brief tutting noise, followed by an agreeable night at the theatre. Ellen made it clear that the important thing was to remain amicable with those you are in conflict with; a policy the Bush family always applied to people of Iraq.  The spokeswoman said: 'George and Ellen may disagree about a range of issues but they both agree it’s great to be rich.'


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page