Mick Lynch to join Marvel Cinematic Universe

Mick Lynch, General Secretary of the RMT union is to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe, studio bosses announced today.

After barnstorming performances on TV screens over recent days, fans will be excited to see Lynch finally join the Hollywood blockbuster franchise. Whilst details remain sketchy at present, it is thought that the first film will see Lynch simultaneously defeat hundreds of semi-robotised news anchors and reporters, batting away monotonous and tedious questions about supposedly bringing the country to a standstill, with reasoned and careful analysis of modern employment relations, the race to the bottom in the UK, and the need for workers to mobilise together to further their long-term interests.

Lynch will also star in crossover ventures with other superheroes, including a 2-part movie with Captain America, in which Lynch explains the inevitable extraction of surplus value under capitalism, ultimately persuading Captain America of the intrinsic benefits of collectivism over individualism. Other planned movies include, The Avengers: Class War, Guardians of the Galaxy: Health and Safety Protocols, and the Fantastic Four (Day Strike).

An initial five movie deal has been negotiated. Further films may be possible, argued Lynch today, 'subject to locked-in inflation-level pay increases, genuine workplace dialogue and credible commitments from employers who have been typically intransigent towards maintaining the terms and conditions negotiated in good faith by Marvel characters and their unions through the recognised sector-level machinery of industrial relations'.

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Times newspaper cancels itself

In a move widely acknowledged as the silliest thing since Jacob Rees-Mogg tried to get all metric units arrested for being gay, The Times newspaper editorial has pulled a story so exclusive that only a couple of other publications had already run it.

A spokes-snitch for the Times explained for twenty pence and half a packet of Rothmans, 'In their infinite wisdom, they forgot how print newspapers work. Turns out it's not as easy as just hitting a delete key and having all the printed copies they've shipped nationwide remove one specific bit of themselves.

'Seems like they forgot whose side they were on for a moment as well. They pulled a naff piece about how Bojo had tried to get his bit of stuff a cushy job on the sly, and stuck something well more important in its place. People have got to know that all European judges are racist, right? They're probably lesbians as well.

'But it's not gonna cut the mustard is it? They've already shown themselves right up there. Going all snowflake balanced for a moment, but getting it wrong like that flippin' Labour opposition who keep buggering up the whole country. You can't recover from that. So there's nothing else for it... they're gonna have to cancel themselves.'

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Government to set fire to immigrants as best deterrent to people smugglers who've already been paid

Following the complete collapse of the rendition to Rwanda wheeze, the cleverest people in the land who really know what they are doing have hastily announced a new flagship immigration policy. A government spokesperson explained, 'What we need to do is get on and lash immigrants to stakes all along the Kent coast and set fire to them. That will send a clear message to people smugglers and they will all stop what they are doing immediately.'

European, American, Asian and African leaders wiped the vomit from their chins and responded with the strongest condemnation of the latest UK government immigration policy. 'I have never heard of such cruelty,' said Vladimir Putin. 'And this from the country which itself acknowledged human rights in 1215, specifically stating that incarceration of people offshore must cease immediately.'

An experienced people smuggler from the trafficking industry confirmed, 'Setting fire to immigrants who have already paid us to traffic them to Britain doesn't appear to cost us very much. Our consultancy firm based in London has looked at the numbers, and it seems like we can continue to smuggle people sustainably to the UK from everywhere for the next 86 years.

'Now I think about it, because the UK government has never even tried anything realistic to disrupt our continental operations, it might be worthwhile upping our numbers for maximum profitability while the going is so good. I should send Boris Johnson and Priti Patel a thank you note for assisting us; our operatives in the English Channel have reported that night time smuggling has suddenly become much easier, although have expressed concern for the new zero targets.

'However, I must say that we are disappointed that the flights to Rwanda thing didn't work. It would have given us the opportunity to traffic them back to Britain again.'

Image: suhasrawool | Pixabay