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"We're offski," say Tower of London ravens


"A lot of people have begged us not to go," chief raven Odin told reporters as he leafed through a brochure for holidays on the Algarve. "They think that if we leave the Tower, the kingdom will topple.


"But I reckon the UK's pretty much ready to go, anyway. The monarch has been reduced to some kind of court entertainer for Donald Trump. Britain's armed forces are no longer strong enough to defend a sandcastle. And Rachel Reeves can't ask for a single extra fiver from the financial markets without there being a massive run on the pound.


Added to that, there's every chance that Keir Starmer will be ousted and replaced as PM after the May elections by Angela Gawd-Help-Us Rayner.


"We don't have to put up with this. We're sinister, dark-hearted creatures and we're going somewhere we can have a future - a place where unprincipled rogues can walk tall and prosper, no matter how evil they are.


"That's right. We're flying off to live on the ramparts of the Kremlin along with our new ravenmaster, Moscow Nige."




Charles returns from US, demolishes east wing of Buck House


A re-energised King Charles has returned from the USA and is setting about improvement work at Buckingham Palace. The east wing has been flattened and work is proceeding on a grand new ballroom, in a move that commentators have described as 'ballsy'.


An aide explained: ''The King was impressed by President Trump's can-do approach to remodeling the White House, and by the way he has cut through planning bureaucracy. He seems determined to go one better. We heard him muttering 'let's see who's got the biggest ballroom'.


The new ballroom at the Palace will feature an indoor arboretum, a green roof, ground-source heat pumps, insulation made from British wool, a new armoury and shooting gallery, and, it's rumoured, an underground bunker for Andrew.


In a further sign of a warming UK- US relationship, the King is also believed to be planning a new 18-hole golf course at Sandringham. One of the bigger holes will be based on suggestions from Donald Trump. 'I know about holes,' the President said. 'I often myself into a hole, but I can always blast myself out. And I do like a bit of rough.'




Biopic “Adolf” accused of glossing over subject’s dark side


Recently released biopic “Adolf”, which purports to tell the true story of a young Austrian artist, has been criticised for glossing over the darker aspects of its subject’s character.


“Watching this film, you’d think he was nothing more than a rather conservative painter, unfairly turned away by the Vienna Academy of Arts,” said one critic.


“It’s no surprise to learn the Hitler estate had creative control over the project. They’ve left out everything that might make his fans uncomfortable.”


The film tells the story of young Adolf’s life, from a childhood tormented by a bullying father to the cusp of global superstardom.


For their part, Riefenstahl Studios refused to comment on what they called “unsubstantiated allegations” of dictatorship, political repression and genocide, hinting that those making the allegations were only looking for a payout.


Asked why they made the surprising decision to end the film in 1933, they said “Well isn’t it obvious? This way there’s a potential for a sequel, perhaps even two!


”We’ve already seen him becoming more interested in, shall we say, public speaking. And you’ve got to be impressed by the way Jaafar Hitler, the real life nephew of Adolf, really channels him during those performances. I’ve seen the rushes of the Nuremberg rally scenes, and honestly, it’s hard to believe it’s not him.”




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