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Home Office announces new 5 Star Migrant Hotel experience

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Home officials have announced that whilst most migrant hotels will close over the coming months, a new 5 Star migrant hotel experience will be available for 'our most special guests'.


"Whilst we are trying to shift focus away from the political and actual cost of the small boats", said Jez Danworth, a home office spokesperson, "we are today announcing a service for migrants that come across on massive boats with significantly more resources than those that came before."


Mr Danworth detailed the service that, when the massive boat gets into UK waters, will include a meet and greet with a named Government official; a 5 star hotel experience (including a Spa and wellness service); preferential tax arrangements on all UK investment; and a 'look the other way' policy for some of the migrants more 'earthly needs'.


The service is likely to be available before Christmas and, due to increasing demand, has been made available to our neighbours from the west as well as the east.


image from google gemini

US concern as Whitehouse found listed on Rightmove

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'I knew Trump had ordered some modifications,' said a US government spokesman, 'but I hadn't anticipated him listing the Whitehouse for sale'.  The Rightmove listing describes the building as being 'ripe for updating' and 'suitable for a keen DIYer'.  The listing asks for offers in the region of '$20 billion' and says 'Bitcoin preferred'.


'It's suffered some structural damage in recent days,' noted an estate agent, 'but it's recently had an updated patio area.  The internal decor is considered a tad garish, but easily rectified,' he added.


'I was considering putting in a low-ball offer,' said a Wigan-based property developer, 'but I've heard some very negative reviews about Washington DC from none other than the US President,' he said today.


image from google gemini

Manhunt for asylum seeker nets six suspects who aren't him

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A manhunt launched to catch an Ethiopian asylum seeker who escaped from prison has successfully rounded up six suspects who are nothing like him.


"We were told to put the dangerous sex offender on a plane to Addis Ababa," said prison service director Derek Blunder, "but we somehow got the order muddled up and released him with £1,000 pocket money and directions to an agreeable pizza restaurant and the railway station.


"We then put a dragnet over the whole of the UK to catch him - which we didn't, because we're so useless.

"However, we did manage to round up Shergar, Mata Hari, Frida Kahlo, Lord Lucan and Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men.


"We'll be passing them onto the police at Charing Cross station to fit up for random crimes. Then we'll put them in prison for life before releasing them all by mistake, as well."


The Justice Secretary ordered HM Prison Service bosses to lock themselves up for gross incompetence, but they said they had lost the key.





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