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Trump solves Strait of Hormuz flashpoint with a stroke of military genius


As global affairs become more surreal by the minute, Donald Trump's press secretary, Caroline Leave-It-Out, today told the world's media, 'In a brilliant masterstroke of military genius, the problematic Strait of Hormuz will be renamed.


'The President, as we all know, is an incredible war strategist,' grovelled the shameless yes person, 'and he has moved swiftly to sort out this matter. So this big lake thing, or whatever the heck it is, will be renamed to something more suitable, and when that happens only the United States will say what is allowed and what's not allowed to happen there.'


The news was confirmed shortly afterwards by Trump himself, while swanning around on Airforce One returning to Washington from his golf course.


'Hormuz is a kinda bad sounding word, isn't it? Not American. Very bad. A lot of people tell me that. Sounds foreign and it's a problem. So we're changing it to Strait of Massachusetts. Wow, how about that? A truly wonderful American name. So now we get to decide who can sail their boats up, down and along it. No mines, no more mines,' said Trump, before busting out a stupid, robotic 1980s dad dance move.


Despite the announcement being met with stunned disbelief in most quarters, no one is particularly surprised to see the Trump-friendly, sycophantic, global poodle corporations, Google and Apple have already amended their online maps to show the new name.



End of Days promises balmy weather


As Christian zionists salivate over building the Third Temple and ushering in the age of Gog and Magog, the rest of us can expect a delightful Spring. Said one weather caster. "It'll initially be long evenings of lawn tennis and fruit punch, followed by the Anti-Christ and his demonic horde. So do try to enjoy the sunshine while you can."


This was confirmed by Beelzebub, "Yes, there'll be eternal suffering but you'll have plenty of time to appreciate the daffodils-before you're pushing them up. Why not redecorate? You've been putting it off. And after all, you've got all the time in the world-literally."


Explained one theologian, "The important thing is not to let the Apocalypse disrupt your plans. And if you really want to indulge in hell on earth, there's the FIFA World Cup to look forward to."



Trump warns Iran ‘we haven’t even called on our superheroes yet’


US President Donald Trump has warned Iran that unless they surrender unconditionally to his demands he will start sending American superheroes over to the Gulf to end the war.


Trump said he would not hesitate in sending comic book heroes to finish the war that Iran had definitely started.


White House sources said Superman, Captain America and Wonder Woman could be sent to the Middle East within days and the Fantastic Four and Spider Man would be kept on standby if backup was needed.


Trump said he had regularly seen DC Universe and Marvel Comic heroes fighting for America in the movies and had been impressed by their 100% success rates in thwarting any bad guys who threatened US interests.


Superheroes have kept American citizens safe for over 80 years and their patriotism combined with a sense of citizenship and moral fortitude in protecting the flag would send shock waves across Iran and force the supreme leader to back down.


The president added there were already plans in place for creating a new superhero with special powers to take down Iran’s Revolutionary Guard


MAGA Man’s special powers would include terrorising small children, deporting people with brown skin and the ability to frack for oil using just his bare hands.


‘And if we can get Japan to send Godzilla to intercept Iranian drone missiles and Africa to send King Kong to protect the Strait of Hormuz we could have this war wrapped up in time for a round of golf in the morning’.



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