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British troops flung aboard Shadow fleet tanker


There is no issue with resources in the MoD, insisted a moustachioed cartoon officer with an infeasibly large number of stripes.


The official press release is clear. 'Valiant British troops took the unusual step of boarding the shadow tanker by trebuchet, because the unit's helicopter is stuck in Kwik-Fit awaiting the correct windscreen wiper. Four men hit the water and two hit the side of the ship, but three men successfully boarded.


'The three heavily armed soldiers advanced on the ship's bridge armed with their British made Forest Products Sustainable Wooden Gun Replicas, shouting Bang!, just like in Dad's Army. Minimal resistance was overcome by offering the crew cheap cigarettes and traditional British beer, probably Oranjeboom or Fosters.


'Twenty men were recovered from the water and eighteen of these were later found to be asylum seekers. The trebuchet performed extremely well, and will be fitted with new and stronger elastic bands for next time. Military experts will now consider if marine helicopters could, in future, be launched by trebuchet to save fuel.


'The seized ship was directed to Maplin Sands where it was successfully run aground in a wetland wildlife sanctuary. All aboard were successfully returned to land with the valued assistance of the RNLI. The RSPB is advising on the best way to get the ship's cargo of oil ashore without damaging the wetland habitat.


'This glorious story underlines the heroic achievements of the British military and the grit, pluck and determination of its troops. It also confirms that there is definitely no crisis with military funding, morale, weapons, intelligence or leadership. Everything is just tickety-boo.




Dr Who to get the Spielberg treatment with record-busting budget already raised


After the disappointment there will be no Christmas Dr Who Special this year, there's a renewed buzz within the Whovian community following news Steven Spielberg has his sights set on making the fourth big screen outing for the the Poundland Sci-fi icon.


Speaking at a publicity event in London where he's promoting his current blockbuster, Disclosure Day, the ET Supremo told members of the press.


'I'm really excited to be getting a crack at this and can announce we've now secured full funding for the project. I have a bank account set aside in LA with the doctor's name on it that's got six hundred greenbacks ready and waiting. The whole shebang marked for shooting, including all special effects and actors' fees, in a production that's sure to amaze existing and new fans alike.'


Six hundred dollars already dwarfs the budget of all three previous movies by ten times so fans are said to be drooling in expectation. It's understood the new production with a working title of: Dr Me, That's Who, will see the sonic screwdriving hero pitted once again against his nemeses, none other than the diabolical Daleks.


Mister Spielberg also shared this juicy titbit. 'The Daleks, now let me see, yeah, in their fifty-seventh iteration, will be truly terrifying with their voices alone guaranteed to terrify anyone who hears them. I have secured none other RFK Junior as the voice artist. So no need for ring modulators or any of that fancy sound manipulation equipment. Bob will just be speaking in his everyday voice. Which alone is enough to scare the shit out of a statue.'




Ash trays at half-mast as Hockney dies


Ash trays are at half-mast as the art world mourns the passing of one its finest and most innovative smokers, David Hockney, who has died at the age of 88.



He died at home his publicist said, one cigarette short of his 89th that day.



As a smoker Hockney always went his own way, famously rejecting a knighthood for services to tobacco and sticking to his quiet habit when others chose healthier routes.



In 2018, one of his swimming pool paintings, 'Portrait of an Artist', sold for nearly £70m at auction, a record for a living artist and enough to keep him in roll-ups “until the next century”, he noted with his trademark grin.





But smoking didn’t come naturally to him. It was something he had to work at as a young lad growing up in Bradford. His first break came when he took a job as a paperboy for his local corner shop. “I saw people smoking as they walked to work and occasionally, they dropped a cigarette and that’s how I got the habit. I started sketching around this time as well, and the two seemed to go together.”



His love of smoking influenced his work too. One of his giant forest paintings has cigarette papers hidden among the leaves, and Ship matches are to produce a commemorative box featuring his image and miniatures of his two most famous paintings, ‘Ash’ and ‘A Bigger Ash’.


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