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Driverless taxis to be trained in misogyny


News that driverless taxis are to be rolled out in the UK from September has met with concern from white van men and bus drivers that they might be the only true misogynists left on our roads.


‘It’s traditional, innit’ said Dave, a white van driver from Essex. ‘As much as I love cheering up the ladies with a cheery comment as I drive past, it won’t be the same if the taxis don’t honk their horns or shout something to, you know, reinforce the message’.


AI firms have been training driverless taxis in casual misogyny for months but admit that it’s a challenge.


‘One of our taxis shouted something inappropriate at an elderly woman’, a spokesman told us. ‘ She seemed pleased, to be honest, but it’s letting the side down. Even with advances in artificial intelligence, the concept of “munter” is surprisingly difficult to program’.


Driverless taxis will make the roads safer by taking actual taxi drivers off them.


Women’s groups have criticised the idea of training robots to abuse them in the street. Well they would, wouldn’t they? Probably lesbians or summat.



Trumpton to rededicate its highest honour to Donald Trump


The Tumptonshire mayor's office today confirmed it is taking back its highest honour, The Camberwick Shield, recently awarded for services to the village of Camberwick Green to the ever popular flour grinder, Windy Miller. The shield will then be rededicated to President Donald J Trump.


Speaking on the Trumpton Today Programme the mayor said: 'It is only right and proper we should give this honour to President Trump for his great contribution to the twenty-first century. No one has done so much for stop motion animation as he has. The shield will be awarded by Trumpton's highest military figure, Captain Flack, during a glitzy ceremony to be held at the bandstand on February 5th.


Details are as yet unconfirmed, but it's understood as part of the celebrations there will be a fire fighters' drive past with Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grubb all aboard their gleaming red fire engine with its bell ringing out loud and clear. 


On hearing the news President Trump told reporters, 'This is a real smart move by the Mayor's office. The smartest. People are telling me that because everyone knows I deserve it. Nobody has done as much for Tumptonshire as I have. Can anybody deny it?"


When there was no response from the assembled hacks, Trump busted out several classic robot dance moves then continued. 'That's right. Even Brian can't.'


It’s one all in ICE verses CBP in the worst possible contest


Both teams are hoping to finish top in the Homeland Security competition. The Customs and Border Protection are the underdogs and the lesser known of the two. They just equalised in dramatic fashion with a scrappy group effort that was completely undeserved. It looked fairly chaotic and many shots were made, mostly on target at close range. There was initially a misunderstanding over social media if ICE had got another one, but it was clarified that this time it was the Border Protection lot.


The Immigration and Customs Enforcement had been dominating and had got one earlier through what appeared to be an unnecessary error. Video reviews clearly show it should not have been allowed, but officials stood by their decision. ICE took advantage of the general confusion and slotted it away and were unrepentant over the controversy.


CBP have just substituted their main man, who was talking a big game but seemed to be out of his depth. The CBP maybe finding it difficult not being at home and have been finding the conditions difficult.


ICE has recently hired some new talent, passionate and aggressive, but generally unskilled and not acting very professional at all. Their poor training shows and this may lead to concern from all but the most passionate of their supporters.


Injuries have plagued this confrontation, and ICE will continue with their aggressive attacking style, which will no doubt end up with more people getting hurt. We can expect more incidents, and it does look like the CBP will respond in the same way.


Overall, it is a poor effort by both teams so far with nothing for the neutral observer to be proud of.


It would be interesting to see how either of these would handle Europe, going up against a professional lot like The Hague.


Image: Copilot




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