Rail regulator axes super-fast model railway service

Britain's only supersonic rail journey, taking commuters from Manchester to London Euston in under 10 minutes, has been cancelled by the Office of the Rail Regulator in next year's timetable changes.

The imaginary service, operated by 13-year-old Gavin Spectacles from Crewe on his Hornby OO-gauge train set, was axed after repeated pleas from his mum.

"He should be playing football across the road in the Rec instead of sitting in the attic watching them things go round and round," she said. "He's getting anaemic."

However, a Hornby spokes-locomotive lashed out at the rail regulator's decision, saying: "This is precisely the type of muddle-headed thinking in Whitehall which is destroying Britain's model railways - especially as Gavin had just placed a big order with us for a 1964 Diesel Multiple Unit and a cardboard model of Bristol Temple Meads station."

Gavin himself was unavailable for comment, saying he was busy guiding the 10.36 stopping service to Haslemere through Clapham Junction and that it would be "more than his job's worth" were there to be a snarl up.

There was some consolation for make-believe rail mogul Gavin when a public service recruiter offered him a senior position at the Department of Transport.

"Mr Spectacles is exactly the type of perverse, pettifogging nitwit who has headed up the civil service for the past two centuries and made Britain the country it is today," said the agent.

"He can join us as soon as he gets an Oxbridge degree in the most useless and irrelevant subject that they teach."

image from pixabay

Country admits their special relationship is very unbalanced

The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country.

'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can change. They have massive mood swings, like every four years, it’s like they are completely different.

'I don’t like who they mix with, their friends are a bit scary and do awful stuff, but I can’t say anything, can I? They had an incident a few years back, I can't remember the exact date. Don’t tell them I said that, they go crazy if you forget it. You must never forget it. Anyway, they asked everyone for help and we jumped up and said no problem. Bunch of us did, I am sure they would do the same for any of us. Hopefully.

'They do treat me nice sometimes, like this year, they were being really mean to everyone and because I complimented how clever they are at business they were less mean to me. That really shows how special this relationship is. I always try to scrub up nice and make a big deal for visits, that definitely makes them happy. For a bit.

'Part of me inside knows that this is just wrong and wants out, but I can’t leave now, I have invested so much in this relationship that is not weird in any way. They have promised me a really nice mutual agreement, so I really need to stay for that. It’ll be so special.'

If you or any other countries were affected by this article, you can contact the United Nations Help Desk and listen to some soothing music.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com