MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the cookery show.

A press release states that "once the current edition ends, the only thing viewers will see in the next season will be forks, knives, the occasional spoon and someone in the background shouting 'That is sensational".

Recipes with potential innuendo, such as aubergine delight, sausage frenzy and coq au anything, have been banned by programme maker Banijay.

Judge John Torode will be replaced by a robot (“no one will notice”, an insider insisted) while an illegitimate son of Donald Trump will step in for Gregg Wallace to do background criticism.

“We think this is the way forward for the hugely popular show,” said a MasterChef spokeswoman.

“Concentrating on cutlery has been a long-held ambition of the show. We’re so glad we can do that now.”

Driving theory test to include questions on migrants, diet and tax

The government has just announced that the theory test will soon include questions about CPR. This is because motorists are 'often first on the scene' where CPR is needed.

Following similar logic, the government is planning to use the test questions to further its agenda in other areas too.

A spokesman said, 'Drivers may not be getting enough exercise, so it's reasonable to add questions about the effects of too much sitting down and not enough active travel. If they didn't get properly brainwashed about this at school, then the theory test gives us a second go.

'Drivers in France may be approached by people trying to get into Britain illegally, so that's another area that we can cover.

'And motorists need to understand that their car tax and fuel duty and road tolls are needed to pay the interest on government debt. It's not there to pay for roads or anything like that. And the national curriculum doesn't even start on tax. So we need to cover that too.

'In future the test may also feature questions about the law on freedom of speech, how to give money to political parties legally, and the offside rule.'

Photo by Bas Peperzak on Unsplash

Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England, #deserved #blessed

Many of the schools that those children were sent to have annual fees in the tens of thousands of pounds - thus, for tax purposes, these schools pretend to be charities. Meanwhile, children from underprivileged backgrounds who achieve even better results can look forward to being unable to afford the cost of university.

Tabloid photo editors confirmed that they were only looking for 'posh leggy blondes, either jumping or hugging', for their front pages, with one hack noting 'some of those fine fillies can aspire to becoming the wives of the stockbrokers, management consultants and Tory MPs of the future. Huzzah! '

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash