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Following an incident in 1986, when soldiers closing in on a terrifying alien were told they couldn’t fire their rifles and sarcastically replied “So what are we supposed to use, harsh language?”, the alien has complained that harsh language was indeed used.


Frequently breaking down in tears in the witness box, the homicidal xenomorph told the court that the soldiers said some very mean things, from which it has never quite recovered emotionally.


”I mean, I know I killed lots of humans, and used others as living hosts for my young to gradually consume from the inside before bursting out of their chests. But that’s no reason to be hurtful. Words have consequences.”


In other news, the media seem much more interested in what a musician said about the IDF than the fact that the IDF has killed 57,000 innocent civilians.



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A Los Angeles police officer who has exercised his right to remain anonymous so that he may continue his duty of shooting innocent people is suing news reporter Lauren Tomasi for $200 million in damages.


Referred to as Officer X in the courtroom, and wearing a hood with badly cut eye holes to mask his identity, the officer spoke via an out of work actor to disguise his voice. 'In one moment, I did more for that dame's career than she had in years. I made her world famous, and what thanks do I get?


'I could see that her report was going nowhere, so I deliberately raised my gun and shot her with non-lethal accuracy. The footage of her report went viral. Like global viral. Channel 9 News Australia should be praising me for the heroic work I did on her behalf.


'But their reaction was the opposite. I just don't get it. The trauma it has caused me is extreme. I'm now suffering from a medically recognised condition called LAPDPTSD. I did the work, and I haven't seen a cent or gotten any recognition for it. OK, the guys made me a special medal back at the precinct afterwards, but the chief says I'm not allowed to wear it in public.


'So, having shot her ass off, now I'm suing it off. And let this be a warning to visiting foreigners: if you don't know how the law works in America, don't come here.'


In response to the legal action, Channel 9 News and Lauren Tomasi released a lengthy statement, which is printed here in its entirety:


'Strewth.'




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Aries


Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal.


Taurus


Don’t put off a decision. Keir needs more money, and he’s coming for you!


Gemini


After the horrendous barbecue accident, you will be known as 'Mr Patty Hands’.


Cancer


The heavenly alignment indicates your life will enter a period of stability, so either that "serious ear infection" clears up, or you decide to lay off the sauce for a bit. Whatever the reason, you will spend less time sprawled on the floor being used by the family as an impromptu draught excluder. Result !


Leo


Remember!! Always turn off the electric mower before clearing any blockages in the blade housing. I'd have thought that you would have learnt that lesson first time around, Lefty!


Virgo


You are worried that you have misplaced something valuable, and you are understandably keen to find it before anyone else. There is no need to worry yourself unduly. it's bound to turn up soon. After all, it weighs 400 kilogrammes and it's radioactive.


Libra


You will bring great joy to a number of families this month ... after your organs have been harvested. Kudos to you.


Scorpio


You will be declared the person most likely to ... Erm, it's not clear what that will be as yet.


Sagittarius


Time will weigh heavy on you this month, but eventually someone will find you under that grandfather clock. Ding dong!


Capricorn


Your zest for life will be tested when someone suggests fun with a grater.


Aquarius


If life gives you verrucas, don't expect people to kiss your feet


Pisces


Contributions from



deskpilot: Taurus, Virgo



jamesdoc: Capricorn



FlashArry: Cancer, Aquarius


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