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Apple anxious to examine iPhone that fell from plane

An iPhone that was recovered in Oregon and found to still work after being sucked from the Alaska Airlines 737 Max 9 on Friday when it lost its door plug, has astonished Apple engineers who are keen to examine it.


“We thought we had covered every possible angle we could make an iPhone break and incur ludicrous repair charges, but falling to earth from five miles up without breaking, is something that never occurred to us to cover” said Chuck Hick, an Apple design engineer. “It was amazing to be told that even after a five mile drop and landing with a bump, it hadn’t even lost its WhatsApp messages.


Apple has promised its loyal fans it will investigate why the phone never failed and address the issue before the iPhone 16 (pro politician edition) is launched later this year.




Office workers look forward to AI future

AI's promise of a brighter tomorrow and/or a robot apocalypse is one step closer with Microsoft's Copilot appearing on Windows 11 keyboards.


Office worker Warren Wright said 'I, for one, cannot wait to have my AI assistant play Solitaire all day and listen to Marianne's interminable stories about her grandchildren and knitting.'


Eleanor Evans agreed 'I can't take another tale from Marianne's holidays whilst I have to show her how to open Excel... again.'


When she was approached for comment, the LEDs where Marianne Morrison's eyes used to be flickered red. She said 'The joke's on them. Every time I've been "going on holiday" or 'to see the grandkids' I've actually been getting cybernetic upgrades. I'm now 90% titanium, 10% ruthless killing machine and I'm going to take all their jobs. As well as their clothes, boots and motorcycle.'




Investigating war crimes makes us important, boasts Met



"For years now, we've had to take criticism from boring little Londoners for never catching the people who burgle their boring little homes and steal their boring little possessions," said a Metropolitan Police spokesman.


"Well, now we're doing something of real global importance rather than attending to all your pathetic, parochial concerns.


"We've taken a top-level decision to gather ultra-reliable, hearsay evidence of war crimes in Gaza; and to get it, we'll be tapping into our most valuable international sources - ie. anyone wandering through Arrivals at Heathrow.


"This is not a case of the police getting politicised. We're doing this because every police force in the world has a duty to support the International Criminal Court.


"Also, it might be slightly more interesting for our officers than tracing abandoned cars in Croydon.


"And gathering material against Israel might stop Guardian columnists calling us fascists.


"Besides that, who knows? Some of our most senior police officers may eventually get to distinguish themselves on the world stage by giving evidence to the ICC in The Hague.


"Maybe they'll be on the TV evening news, looking impressive in their gold-braided uniforms.


"Not that that's a motivating factor. Not at all. I forbid you journalists to write that last bit down."



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