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Investigating war crimes makes us important, boasts Met

"For years now, we've had to take criticism from boring little Londoners for never catching the people who burgle their boring little homes and steal their boring little possessions," said a Metropolitan Police spokesman.

"Well, now we're doing something of real global importance rather than attending to all your pathetic, parochial concerns.

"We've taken a top-level decision to gather ultra-reliable, hearsay evidence of war crimes in Gaza; and to get it, we'll be tapping into our most valuable international sources - ie. anyone wandering through Arrivals at Heathrow.

"This is not a case of the police getting politicised. We're doing this because every police force in the world has a duty to support the International Criminal Court.

"Also, it might be slightly more interesting for our officers than tracing abandoned cars in Croydon.

"And gathering material against Israel might stop Guardian columnists calling us fascists.

"Besides that, who knows? Some of our most senior police officers may eventually get to distinguish themselves on the world stage by giving evidence to the ICC in The Hague.

"Maybe they'll be on the TV evening news, looking impressive in their gold-braided uniforms.

"Not that that's a motivating factor. Not at all. I forbid you journalists to write that last bit down."

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