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"We're offski," say Tower of London ravens


"A lot of people have begged us not to go," chief raven Odin told reporters as he leafed through a brochure for holidays on the Algarve. "They think that if we leave the Tower, the kingdom will topple.


"But I reckon the UK's pretty much ready to go, anyway. The monarch has been reduced to some kind of court entertainer for Donald Trump. Britain's armed forces are no longer strong enough to defend a sandcastle. And Rachel Reeves can't ask for a single extra fiver from the financial markets without there being a massive run on the pound.


Added to that, there's every chance that Keir Starmer will be ousted and replaced as PM after the May elections by Angela Gawd-Help-Us Rayner.


"We don't have to put up with this. We're sinister, dark-hearted creatures and we're going somewhere we can have a future - a place where unprincipled rogues can walk tall and prosper, no matter how evil they are.


"That's right. We're flying off to live on the ramparts of the Kremlin along with our new ravenmaster, Moscow Nige."




Labour messaging stifled because Angela Rayner wouldn't share her Smarties in 1989



Keir Starmer is unable to get any political messaging across because The Waily Male is monopolising the news cycle with spurious accusations besmirching Labour politicians. Instead of being able to detail fiscal recovery plans, Starmer is left facing a barrage of irate questions about what Ed Miliband did to a puppy in 1993.


'We have installed an advanced system called Three Tombolas,' said a Lucky Dip contractor for The Male. 'The first one produces the name of a Labour politician. The second one produces a random heinous crime. And the third one says how much they smell.


'Look... Rachel Reeves... wanked off a Womble... and stinks like a woke snowflake poopoo face.


'How could any self-respecting news organisation not make that their top story every day for a week? There is literally nothing worse going on, and she should never be allowed to even mention how people dying on NHS waiting lists will be saved.


'This system will produce a limitless supply of awful things Labour politicians have done which will disgust everyone into believing they are even worse than the Tories. And the best bit is that none of them can sue for libel because you can't sue a tombola.'




First published 21 April 2024


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Labour party aims to best the Tories


 Labour Party activists are excited by the chance to put one over on the Tories.


0ne insider told us, 'When the Tories sacked Theresa May, they set in motion a downward doom spiral from which they never recovered. Boris, partygate, internal divisions, scandal, defections, Liz Lettuce, Kwazy Kwasi and then Rishi got the hospital pass and finally a massive election wipe out.'


'Labour is at the top of that ski slope. If we can push out Keir, then we can ignore the national interest and just rip the party to pieces. Andy Burnham! Angela Rayner! Lucy Powell! Anas Sarwar! It'll be brutal. No-one will come out alive. It'll be so much better than sorting out railways or hospitals or benefit or housing. Finally, some real political drama. I'm so excited. I can't wait. We're going to make the Tories look like rank amateurs at self-destructive in-fighting and civil war!'


image from pixabay

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