Most 'no-go' areas are Tory donor country estates where everyone will be shot

'Conservative MP Paul Scully was completely correct in his claim that there are "no-go" areas in the UK.' So says Jeremy Haines, a land-banking tycoon from a huge area of north Surrey, attempting to leap to the defence of political shills and personal interests, but inadvertently whistle-blowing the lid off the whole racket.

'Any commoner accidentally wandering onto land surrounding Shapps Manor, for example, would be shot first and then asked questions by Piers Morgan later.

'Even people of high status are prevented from going anywhere near much of Britain. Tory Party donors and oligarch chums of Boris Johnson have taken ownership of all the best bits, and we just sit on it while its value soars. No less than a member of the Royal family trying to get in on the ground floor will be lied to and then have Liz Truss set upon them.

'Swathes of Somerset are prowled by killer Rees-Moggs, where generations of selective in-breeding has created off-shoring hounds trained to tear foxes to pieces, and anyone else with red hair.

'Speaking of rampant off-shoring, it's not just areas in the UK which are no-go. The Drax dynasty with... erm... "interests" in the Caribbean strictly forbids locals from entering its family plantation estate, thereby upholding good old-school white supremacy. Which, of course, is in no way racist, or perpetuating racism today.

'And it's not just geographical zones which are ring-fenced with deadly force. BBC journalists straying into areas even remotely connected to right-wing disparagement are deemed to be on deadly ground. Tim Davie, the Tory-installed Director General Beast, will pounce on you like a giant python, wrap himself around you and squeeze until there is no more Conservative anti-sentiment juice left within you.

'More than that, no part of the media is allowed to mention Brexit anymore. Despite it being by far the number one cause of economic woes in Britain, even the Bank of England is forbidden from going there.

'So, you see, if anything, what Paul Scully said is an understatement. We have made it so that there is almost nowhere left Brits can roam free without fear of extreme reprisal. It's pretty much all a no-go area.

'Oh, and do keep off the grass. I've still got fracking rights under there.'

Image: makamuki0 - Pixabay

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Vet successfully operates on three-headed dog

A dog found abandoned outside a branch of B&M has had two of its extra heads successfully removed.

People across the world had generously donated for the operation on the dog, thought to be a Hell Hound and given it the name Cerberus.

Veterinarian Duke Irons said the operation was difficult but once he had got one head off the second was a bit easier although the dog still looked a bit odd with its glowing red eyes. Once it’s fully recovered he thinks it will make a loving pet, or vicious guard depending on who takes it on.

This is not the first report of an animal with additional parts. A few years ago a large fluffy and boisterous dog called Boris was found to have two dicks.

image from pixabay

Would I Lie To You planning an election special

A spokesman for the popular panel game where celebrities tell tall stories and the opposing side has to guess whether the story is true or a lie said, 'we are planning on running an election special, whenever that is in May'.  The show doesn't normally feature politicians because, 'they all bloody lie, anyway,' but with politics becoming increasingly polarised the producers have conceded it is almost impossible for the man in the street to discern when the truth is being told or otherwise.  Obviously Lee Anderson, Michael Gove and Boris Johnson won't be invited, however the BBC is considering a representative of the Post Office senior management to be included.

'It'll be hilarious, with claims about Brexit benefits, all lies, obviously, and spending plans, ditto being tossed around.  We might even ask Rishi Sunak to tell a tale about how long he intends to stay in the country after the last result is in,' added the producer.  The episode, which would normally run for thirty minutes, is expected to run for three, including the front and end credits.  'We've got a gianormous "Lie" sign mocked up in the colours of the politician making the statement,' said the producer, adding, 'we're not going to bother with the cost of a 'True' sign.'

Britain British Number - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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