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Rare unsigned copy of draft Brexit Deal to be auctioned off



The Trade Agreement Collector's world is reeling from the news that a rare copy of a draft of a Brexit deal which hadn't been signed by Boris Johnson as been found down the back of a sofa in the Reception area of a Specsavers, believed to be in Barnard Castle.


"These types of document come to light very infrequently, as they are usually shredded, but in this instance this slim volume appears to have found it's way out of Whitehall" said Chief Auctioneer, Willoughby Land. "It is also interesting in that many of the headings were prototypes of what were in the final documents - such as "Yeah, yeah we'll do that", "Sod the Fishermen", "Who needs Lorry Drivers anyway, they're all filthy oiks", and "TAX Havens", with most followed by a simple bullet point "whatever".


Asked if the sale has garnered much interest Mr Land replied "Yes, of course, it'll go for a fortune, as it turns out that the signed copies are worthless".


image pixabay/succo




First published 15 Oct 2021


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Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist



A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are gradually returning to the primordial soup where life is believed to have begun around 3.8 billion years ago.


Professor Tobias Dell said that within the next few years all Brexiteers will have returned to single-cell organisms where they will continue to exist in the primordial soup.


"Thousands of Brexiteers have already been spotted crawling on all-fours across the Serengeti Plain in Africa where the primordial soup is located," he told assembled scientists at an international geography conference.

"It's a bit like the behaviour of, The Skeksis out of The Dark Crystal when they all felt some strange inexorable force drawing them back to the place of their creation.


"It's my view, that by 2024, pretty much all of them will have been reduced to floating on the surface of the water gazing sightlessly at the sky, with absolutely no cognisance of the world around them.


"A bit like Young Conservatives in the hotel pool when they're on holiday."


A spokesman for the fiercely pro-Brexit, United Kingdom Independence Party, hit back furiously at the professor's remarks.


"Primordial soup? Never! We only have good old proper British soup like oxtail or cockaleekie in my house!"





First published 7 Oct 2021


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UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

A report in to the UK’s whimsey levels show that reserves are at their lowest level since the end of World War 2.


“It’s somewhat of a crisis”, said Sir Brian Peckworth, the UK’s Lead Whimsey Auditor, “I’ve never known anything like this in all my whimsical career. Over 65s whimsey is still quite strong but 17 and under are in the worst state it’s ever been. And all this for a nation that used to pride it self on its whimsey. It’s saddens me greatly.”


He noted that non-event perfume application was high in the seniors brackets but functional application of brands such as Lynx was high with youth but lacked any notable whimsey. Odd sock wearing; novelty soap and butter dishes; traditional hat wearing; everyday lapel flowers; and blowing bubbles for the over 35s have all seen a huge dip in the last 20 years sending the whimsey levels spiralling.


Mr Peckworth implored Britons to embrace their eccentricities and whimsey by buying and wearing novelty brooches and badges; sporting a diamond tipped cane; using words such as ‘forsooth’ and ‘egads!’ on an everyday basis; and generally accepting fanciful ideas into their lives such as magic, surrealism and Brexit.



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