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Boris Johnson publishes price list for describing what the UK is not

Updated: Nov 29, 2021


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The prime minister’s office has announced that from tomorrow he will publicly state the sentence “Britain is not a ______ country”, any time, for a fee.


The fee will depend on what word or phrase is selected to fill in the blank. The options are:


“French” - 20 pounds

“wobbly” - 25 pounds

“real” - 30 pounds

“square” - 40 pounds

“Welsh” - 50 pounds

“sausage shaped” - 100 pounds

“hairy” - 250 pounds

“very good” - 500 pounds

“disease ridden” 750 pounds

“cheese filled” - 1000 pounds

“Boaty McBoatface” - 2000 pounds

(Just use the blank) - 5000 pounds

“shits n' giggles”- 50,000 pounds

“corrupt” - 100,000 pounds








Birds flying south for the winter have no intention of coming back to Britain

Updated: Nov 27, 2021


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Flocks of different bird species heading south do not intend to return to the UK. A spokes-goose at the head of a flying V formation admitted, 'You're having a lark, eh? There's no way we are coming back to this puffinturd shitshow.'


'All of the lakes, ponds and rivers have human and pig crap in them. There's a lot we'll put up with in swamplands, but chickenshit? No chance - we're off for good, and it's aboot time. From up here we get a bird's eye view of everything. To say it doesn't look promising is a yellowhammer piddle of an understatement. Folks putting out bird feed is on the decline. Even old Tom down the park can't afford to chuck us any of that stale bread anymore.'


Trevor, a penduline tit from South Wales tweeted, 'There is an acute shortage of affordable property. Available birdhouses are on the decline, and it's obvious that our hatchlings will never be able to fly the nest. Frankly, those moat mallards who got that fancy property via an illegal expenses claim can stick their bills up their arses.'


Jessica, a starling from The Wash chirped despondently, 'Most of the juicy insects have been killed off by industrial farming practises which should have been made illegal. You dump that amount of lethal chemicals onto arable land, and you can't expect anything but a swift decline in farming on a national scale. I'm off, and we're not even migratory.


Geoff, a not so common sparrow from Dorset blew the whistle on what is going on right across the entire avian community. 'Literally anywhere is better than this shambles. Even that Canary Island with a constantly roaring volcano, rivers of lava and clouds of choking ash would be an improvement.'







UK government finally delivers on Covid Delta PLUS

Updated: Nov 23, 2021


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After failing to deliver on promises of Norway plus or Canada plus for Britain, the UK government has finally come good on Covid Delta Plus. A government spokesfiend licked its talons and hissed, 'People should be a bit more damned respectful. We always promised we would deliver the best possible outcome for Britain, and here it finally is. No, no... I just seem to... er... have something in my eye.' 'We have strained every sinew to stop bothering with any sort of restrictions and worked tirelessly to misinform people so that they give up on wearing masks and get back into schools and offices. Without the help of millions of heroic Brits who flung off their restrictive, freedom-killing, virtue-signalling masks, we just couldn't have guided everyone to these sunlit uplands. 'AY.4.2 is, however, too boring, so we're definitely not following the science on this one and instead we're calling it The Great British Covid Delta Variant Plus. It's the proper, glorious ubervariant Britain deserves, and you just know it's going to be world-beating.'






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