Exhausted Boris Johnson plans short holiday in his office

An exhausted Boris Johnson is planning to spend a few days holidaying in his Downing Street office, to get some badly needed work-time and recover from the endless cycle of government parties over the past two years.

Johnson has been pictured recently, looking drawn and haggard, covered in paper streamers, slumped on a bean bag, holding a plastic cup full of red wine and a half-smoked cigarette.

A source said that the Prime Minister needs a short working break to recover from the gruelling schedule of food-fights, arse-photocopying and emergency danceathons that he has been subjected too as part of his Covid response work over the last two years.

"A few days relaxing and reading the papers in his private Downing Street office will help the Prime Minister recharge his batteries so that he can get back to the important job of putting on a pair of fake plastic tits and squirting cream all over them while shouting, "look at me boys, I'm Doris Johnson".

The source indicated that Mr. Johnson will also be taking up swimming, but what in, they didn't want to say.

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 27 Jan 2022

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Modern proverbs - part three

Those contradictory old proverbs. Often helpful. But also often not so helpful. You know.  On the one hand, ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’. But on the other hand, ‘a stitch in time saves nine’. So, take your pick!

And there’s ‘he who hesitates is lost’, which seems at odds with ‘fools rush in’. And ‘the pen is mightier than the sword’ seems to contradict ‘actions speak louder than words’. What’s that all about?

We asked our intrepid correspondents to suggest updated proverbs for modern times. Here is our third selection of their work:

A course of Ozempic ain't over till the fat lady slims

All good things come to those who...

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet

If you can’t stand Greg Wallace, get out of the kitchen

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket if the store detective is watching

A dog is a man's best friend in Norfolk

A little learning is a dangerous thing, but might get you the Presidency

Too many cocks soil the brothel

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if it's the nuclear detonator one James Bond uses.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single click on Expedia.

In the country of the blind, a one-eyed man won't get disability benefit.

PornHub makes work for idle hands.

The grass is always greener in the hydroponic grow house.

In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is designated driver.

Contributors: Paul L, Sinnick, sydalg

Image credit: perchance.org

Modern proverbs - part two

Those contradictory old proverbs. You know. On the one hand, you shouldn’t ‘look a gift horse in the mouth’. But on the other hand, ‘beware of Greeks bearing gifts’. Not helpful.

Apparently you are supposed to ‘paddle your own canoe’, which seems at odds with ‘two heads are better than one’. And ‘many hands make light work’, but ‘too many cooks spoil the broth’. It’s starting to seem like these proverbs were made up to justify whatever dumb thing someone was about to do.

Here is our second instalment of updated proverbs for modern times:

Absence makes the heart find someone else

It's better to receive than give.

The Evri cloud does NOT have a silver lining

A problem shared means two people have a problem

All's well that ends

Might may not be right, but it is always might

You don't necessarily get what you pay for, but you're very unlikely to get what you don't pay for

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one wrong step.

A problem shared is a laugh down the pub later.

From great Sycamores tiny seedlings grow

Give a man a fish; and you feed him for one day.  Allow him to own military grade weapons, let ICE agents murder his neighbours, and you've got a civil war on your hands.

If at first you don't succeed, start another, then another, party, then collect the has-beens and never-wases from a failed party and try again.

You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it might not remember them.

Least said, soonest re-elected

Contributors: Titus,  deskpilot, beau-jolly, sirlupus, modelmaker

Picture credit: perchance.org