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Covid-19 Omicron BA.2.86 'Pirola' mutation: Matt Hancock can't help snogging it



Mouthy mutation 'Covid-19 Omicron Pirola BA.2.86' has reared its ugly head. So hideous is this new variant, that gropey slimeball Matt Hancock is not resistant to its charmlessness.


'He just couldn't help himself,' said a security camera obviously placed where everyone but Hancock could have seen him coming. 'He took one look at Pirola and it was love at first tonguing.


'Like Hancock, I'm quite low resolution, so the vomit was limited. Well, at least until he couldn't help showing Pirola around and walked into a Norfolk care home with it on his arm.


'Hopefully this time, the public will listen to virologists who know what they are talking about, and not government ministers "following the science" about as much as they want the delayed Covid Inquiry to find them grossly negligent.'


- Matt Hancock's autobiography "Mostly Charmless" is available in all good binshops


Image: Newsbiscuit

Johnson worried about "Happy Birthday, from Dad" WhatsApp messages being counted


Ex-prime minister, leading Brexit cheerleader and Vileda Mop model, Boris Johnson, is holding on to his WhatsApp messages until he can delete the numerous messages that say "Happy Birthday, from Dad".


If released, the messages sent in the space of a year could theoretically be counted, and the number of children fathered by the serial breeder may finally be known. However, leading statisticians say it would be unlikely as the computing power needed to filter through the rest of his bloviating, and to then calculate the number of happy birthday messages would exceed that used to run and manager the Large Hadron Collider.


Known offspring of the former Prime Minister, Foreign Secretary and Zipwire Dangler include Lara, Milo, Wilfred Frank, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Tinky-Winky.


Johnson has so far refused to admit to the number of children he has and the release of these messages may end up becoming an embarrassment for the up until now unembarrassable. Speculation has already started on Twitter into the name of some of his other children.


Jeremy Vine took to the platform to urge children of Johnson's to publicly come forward to stop innocent people being linked with the story.


"It's not fair to those being falsely named to have their reputations dragged through the mud" Vine said. "Even Huw Edwards had to distance himself from sharing DNA with Boris"


We have tried to contact some of those in the frame. So far, Mr Blobby has refused to comment.


story: jamespluside



Time capsule older than three years old dug up in Monmouth



In what is believed to be the oldest recorded time capsule in the UK, artefacts from before the pandemic have been unearthed in a burial plot in Monmouth.


'It was incredible,' said Brian, 34. I sort of remembered helping to bury the capsule, but what with the pandemic, lockdowns and partygate it sort of got pushed from my mind. Then Alvin, my mate from the pub, asked if anyone had ever dug it up. We went and looked and the ground appeared undisturbed, so I grabbed my shovel. The rest, as they say, is history.'


And history it is. Traditionally time capsules are expected to sit underground for generations, with many participants hoping the capsules will survive an atomic war and provide an emerging surviving race of genetically modified mutants an insight into what it meant to be human and British before Brexit. And World War three, obviously.


In reality most time capsules are dug up sooner than three years. Many are dug up literally the next day as donors of antiquated artefacts such as remote controls for televisions they no longer have, or early iPhones realise that the TV is in the loft and is essentially a hot spare, or they read that early iPhones are worth way more than a tenner to some collectors.


Others are looted within a few months, mainly for the Keith Chegwin tee shirts that inevitably get thrown in as an example of early British history. To date no time capsule older than four years has been found, probably because long covid brain fog has made the people burying the capsules filled with tat forget where they buried them.


'There's photos of local people not wearing face masks,' enthused Brian, admitting he was disappointed there wasn't a 'Brexit fifty pence piece', but acknowledged the likelihood of anyone finding one in their change was remote, as most were thrown away in disgust at the time.


Brian's happy to have dug the time capsule up before World War three, though. 'I wasn't going to vote Conservative next time,' he admitted, 'so we'll probably have to wait a while longer for that mutant utopia,' he sighed.




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