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Covid excited about first day at new school


With the Xmas Hols coming to an end, kids up and down the country are looking forward to exchanging variants of their favourite diseases. Equally, teachers can expect to have their classroom turn into a petri dish and their scheme of work to transform into a diary of hospital appointments.


Although masks will be worn in class, Covid itself will scampering through the air, like a syphillitic Aled Jones. By the end of the first day it will have circulated faster than the rumour that someone in the Sixth Form is pregnant.


Asked if it was ready for the school safety measures, Covid replied: 'Looks like I'm the only one who has done their homework'




Blair: Everyone will catch Covid in 45mins




The former PM and unrepentant liar has given the anti-vax movement a significant boost by promoting a fourth vaccine. Complained one scientist: 'Great, just what we needed, an endorsement by Harold Shipman'.


The snake-oil salesman insisted the fourth jab was necessary, as Saddam Hussain had caused Covid. Said one voter: 'I assume Blair has just been lobbied by big Pharma to inject us with Bill Gates' nanobots. Either that, or he'll dose us up with Rohypnol and steal our bank details.


Blair explained that he would coordinate the injections from a secluded wood. It would be administered by a nice MI5 man and we won't 'feel a thing'. And, anyway, the autopsy report would just say suicide.




No. 10 celebrates new Covid high score with meeting that isn’t a party


Record breaking levels of the omicron variant have led to fears of the return of lockdowns, home schooling and Joe Wicks.


Wearing a Christmas jumper and with tinsel draped over a party hat, slightly sozzled Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Everyone’s getting this cool new hip and happening variant. It’s a total vindication of Boris’ twin strategies of herd immunity and letting the bodies pile high.


On an unrelated note we’re playing Twister at our work-meeting-that-isn’t-a-party. Our plan is to save Christmas, then close the borders to keep foreigners out and our rabid base happy. But we won’t have an official lockdown because that means paying for furlough and Rishi did not look happy about helping people. Plus venues will close and we really want the creative arts to suffer because anyone with a soul hates us. Job done I’d say.’






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