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UK's 'Freedom Day' decision passed to mixed Infants reception class

Updated: Dec 22, 2021



In what's being seen by many as a surprise move, last night Downing Street announced vacillating idiot and serial bridegroom, Boris Johnson, has passed the decision on whether Britain scraps all Covid 19 regulations on June 21st, to Bosher Street Mixed Infants Reception Class in Skegness.

A spokesman said: 'Let's face it, the kids are more likely to get this right than the PM. His record on handling the crisis has been woeful at every key stage so far. And what's more, if the sprogs screw it up… well then he's in the clear, isn't he?'

Insiders report having seen Chris Whitty, Patrick Vallance and Jonathan Van-Tam looking happier than they have done for months now, with one uncorroborated story claiming all three went out for a celebratory curry and few beers on hearing the news.

Class teacher, Miss Fiona Barnes (25) said: 'Gosh, we were certainly very surprised to be given such a weighty task to grapple with, but I think the children are equal to it. Many of them can count to ten already, while others have displayed an ounce or two of common sense. Yes, all in all, I'm sure we'll do the right thing for the nation.'

Mr Johnson was unavailable for comment, but one close source, speaking off the record said: 'He's much too busy to be bothered by Covid, as he needs every spare minute to get back in the saddle with his many dating sites. You know? Now the wedding's done and dusted and all that.'






'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".


'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!


'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.


'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.


'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'






Research shows all anti-vaxxers voted Brexit

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


Government research into the people who refuse to have a Covid-19 vaccine, wear a mask or wash their hands even after wiping their bum after a sh!t also voted for Brexit. 'We expected the demographic to be, like, 52% to 48%,' said a government spokesperson today, 'but no, it's 100% of the anti-vaxxers who have also voted for Brexit.' More importantly, for government experts, is the fact that unlike the general population which is becoming more remain orientated with each government cock-up, the anti-vaxxers are hardening their position.


'The problem for the government is that they need a core of Brexit supporters to be vocally supportive of them by the next election if they are to stand a chance, but at this rate it's unlikely there will be anyone supporting Brexit apart from maskless anti-vaxxers,' said a researcher today. 'Given that the government is actively demonising anti-vaxxers then it looks like they'll struggle to vote for themselves, let alone get anyone from the general public to vote,' he added.


The government is pressing on with a new phase to tackle the challenge despite allegations of electoral fraud and sleaze. 'We intend to award a contract to run the country for another five or so years,' said a government strategist. 'Of course there won't be a competition or any qualifying questions apart from "would you like a peerage to go with that?" Ermine coats will need to be supplied, as well as face masks. As will at least a £3 million donation, as usual.






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