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Johnson impregnates medical staff using elbow

Updated: Nov 27, 2021




Doctors and nurses have been shocked to discover the PM's 'jolly' elbow bumps were all part of an elaborate mating ritual. Throughout the Covid crisis, Mr. Johnson has been trying to fertilise the nation, one Hospital at a time.


Supposed photo opportunities, were just an excuse to rub elbows and spread his Midwich seed. Complained one health professional: 'He didn't wear a mask or any other form of protection. And what about STD's? Clap for nurses takes on a whole different meaning.'






Bric-a-brac shortage threatens school Christmas fayres

Updated: Dec 9, 2021




Christmas fayres are a fundraising staple of many a school year, but a worldwide shortage of bric-a-brac means these festive events are under threat.



Most bric-a-brac is produced in China but a combination of Brexit, Covid and global warming has meant a serious decline in production. Importers say this year is the worst they can remember, and taken with other shortages of knick-knacks and wot-nots means the curio market is in crisis.



Headteacher, Margaret Coyle, says she’s uncertain if her primary school fayre can go ahead this December. “The first thing parents look for on the poster is Bric-a-brac stall, even though most of them haven’t a clue what it means. I’ve said for years we should be producing more tat in this country and relying less on imports.”



The Department for Education are reported to be in urgent talks with the W.I. who may well be stockpiling.






Big Bird admits role in vaccine conspiracy

Updated: Dec 23, 2021


Sesame Street character Big Bird has accepted accusations he is helping to front a pro-government propaganda campaign and is part of a global Covid conspiracy.


Fox News and tin foil hat aficionado Warren Wright, said ‘Big Bird is an agent of the deep fried chicken state, a Chinese Communist Party kung po patsy. He’s part of the yellow peril, brought to you by the letter Q and the number 45.’


Big Bird’s law firm, Bert and Ernie LLP, issued a statement saying ‘Our client was told it was take big pharma’s money or they’d arrange a meeting with Colonel Sanders. An eight foot tall, bright yellow flightless bird can’t go into hiding, so now he’s count von counting his backhanders, although you grouches are making it el-mo’ money, el-mo' problems. He couldn’t give two Ted Cruzes about Covid, bird flu is the real issue. That and Colonel Sanders.’






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