top of page
Search

Big Bird admits role in vaccine conspiracy

Updated: Dec 23, 2021


Sesame Street character Big Bird has accepted accusations he is helping to front a pro-government propaganda campaign and is part of a global Covid conspiracy.


Fox News and tin foil hat aficionado Warren Wright, said ‘Big Bird is an agent of the deep fried chicken state, a Chinese Communist Party kung po patsy. He’s part of the yellow peril, brought to you by the letter Q and the number 45.’


Big Bird’s law firm, Bert and Ernie LLP, issued a statement saying ‘Our client was told it was take big pharma’s money or they’d arrange a meeting with Colonel Sanders. An eight foot tall, bright yellow flightless bird can’t go into hiding, so now he’s count von counting his backhanders, although you grouches are making it el-mo’ money, el-mo' problems. He couldn’t give two Ted Cruzes about Covid, bird flu is the real issue. That and Colonel Sanders.’






UK government finally delivers on Covid Delta PLUS

Updated: Nov 23, 2021



After failing to deliver on promises of Norway plus or Canada plus for Britain, the UK government has finally come good on Covid Delta Plus. A government spokesfiend licked its talons and hissed, 'People should be a bit more damned respectful. We always promised we would deliver the best possible outcome for Britain, and here it finally is. No, no... I just seem to... er... have something in my eye.' 'We have strained every sinew to stop bothering with any sort of restrictions and worked tirelessly to misinform people so that they give up on wearing masks and get back into schools and offices. Without the help of millions of heroic Brits who flung off their restrictive, freedom-killing, virtue-signalling masks, we just couldn't have guided everyone to these sunlit uplands. 'AY.4.2 is, however, too boring, so we're definitely not following the science on this one and instead we're calling it The Great British Covid Delta Variant Plus. It's the proper, glorious ubervariant Britain deserves, and you just know it's going to be world-beating.'






“Covid? Oh, yeah, whatever happened with that?” asks mainstream media

Updated: Nov 21, 2021



By Our Health Correspondent, Ian Difference



MEDIA CENTRE, SALFORD – Newspaper editors nationwide felt a nagging sensation of having forgotten something important yesterday, as the realisation dawned on them that there is actually still a pandemic on.



With over 250,000 cases and 790 deaths from Covid-19 in the last week, the rampaging virus finally caught the attention of the right-wing press as well as the main television channels, albeit fleetingly.



“Coronavirus? I remember that thing. God, those were the days, eh? So glad it’s all over and done with now,” said the head of BBC news, looking up briefly from his crossword as a colleague mentioned the ghastly figures. “Any more stories about politicians doing karaoke?”



“Christ! Covid! I knew there was something we’d forgotten to report on for the last 100 days in a row,” cried the editor of the Daily Mail. “But, in fairness, Freedom Day announced the dawning of a new era: an era of journalists pretending the virus doesn’t exist.”



“Turning a blind eye to the ravages of the virus is better for profits,” agreed the chief executive of the Daily Telegraph. “So we’ve gone back to what we do best – publishing exclusives about woke-ism destroying our museums and universities, and bashing the gay dancers on Strictly.”



“Yes, even though infection rates have risen ever-higher since the summer and the UK has maintained a place on the red list of nearly all of our neighbours, we didn’t find room to mention any of that,” said every newspaper in a joint statement. “Some things are better left unsaid, especially if they might require self-sacrifice.”



The newsmen confirmed they could be convinced to cover the pandemic again, but only in opinion pieces lambasting the concept of lockdowns.


image pixabay/geralt




bottom of page