The Government launched initiative has proved popular with the milling masses. People are naming new variants after their pets, the Fido and Tiddles Covid variant being particularly prevalent. Personalised ‘Artisan’ names are to be made available via auction by the DVLA. Custom face masks will be provided with their chosen variant name printed in large letters to show off how superior they are to their sub species public in general. One Minister said that plebs will be able to buy them as gifts to unloved ones, should they survive.
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In a prepared statement, coronavirus has spoke of his relief to be getting out and about after the restrictions on movement were lifted: ‘It's been a long tough summer. And I haven't been able to attend as many festivals as I hoped. Vaccines? Well, I'd be lying if I said they made me feel a bit unwelcome. But clearly the relaxed protections mean you missed me all along.'
‘I'm pleased they’ve removed Covid precautions at schools. It’s just great to see all those smiling - maskless – faces. Next, let's get rid of all that boring hand-washing, okay? I'm particularly grateful to all those businesses that insisted their staff should be onsite – you’ve definitely got your priorities right. I'm just happy to be visiting relatives ... your relatives, their relatives, anyone’s relatives really. I'm just a people person.'
The government announced today that the pandemic is as good as over. 'Wear a mask if you must, wash your hands, keep your distance, whatever - loser,' said a government spokesman.
When it was pointed out that 797 people had died in the last seven days and that 70 had died in the same seven days last year the spokesman pointed out that due to the 'fantastic benefit of the vaccines people aren't getting as unwell and those who died probably weren't as unwell as those a year ago thanks to the vaccines. They probably died a lot weller this year,' he added.
The government has denied that the return to schools where social distancing, masks and common sense were being ditched would result in any increase in deaths. 'There can't be any more grandparents for the blighters to infect, surely?' he asked.
photo by fietzfotos @ Pixabay
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